Spiritual Development

Page 43

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By Dragon

Hi everyone, I had quite an experience a few days ago and was asked to share it so maybe others
can benefit from it also. I hope that anyone who has something more to add to this will post it.
I have been really struggling with having faith, actually I always have struggled with it. I
thought, key word being " thought " LOL, that I was winning that struggle at last. Instead I got a
lesson in how to grow with it and through it, instead of trying to possess it.

At one time or another we all have gone or will go through that "cleaning out " of our hearts and
minds. Opening & then closing doors to the past and our old fears and learned behaviors. Finding
out the how's and whys. There has been allot of layers for me to go through and have been for
the last 2.5 years, but lately it’s been more intensive with making connections and more than just
peeling the layers, I have been ripping them apart. It was time, I opened all the doors and now I
was cleaning the ever living heck out the rooms. ZOOOM>>>> I seriously was and am ready to
move forward...to keep walking. Or as it has been put to me...Walking my Talk.

Anyway, I was at the point, had been at the point really, to have something manifest itself out of
all this hard work I was doing… Lately I have been desperate for it.

So nothing was happening, at least nothing that I was seeing or maybe was believing/trusting?
:snoot I could feel my struggle with my faith starting to slip and wondering once again, do I
deserve anything good? Have I not done enough to earn it ?? Am I a bad person, made too many
mistakes ????... ..etc., etc. ...I went on and on...LOL

For more on my feelings on this, see my daily dairy/journal and look under the title "Faith" it’s a
grand Pity Party ..fun for all! LOL!

I got desperate enough, as I was feeling like my Spirituality was just slipping away, to beg more
than pray or ask Spirit for a "solid" sign that positive changes were coming to me so I could
really move on and know what I am meant to do with my life, to do whatever it is that Spirit has
in mind for me, to finally be at peace in myself and be happy.

I get vague feelings of where I am going, what I could be doing when its time. When I am ready.
Do you know that feeling of there is something to grab onto? You can feel it building inside,
you’re not sure what it is just yet but it’s there for the taking? For me it’s like a growing
excitement, like I am getting closer & closer....but....just...not....quite...ugh. Then I tend to shut
down and or get a little cranky.

So while I am in the middle of stomping my feet about doing all this hard work for nothing and
nobody even knows I exist… I hear my cat(one of them) just yowling away in the kitchen, it
sounded like she was hurt or something and (I copy and pasted this part from my dairy) I come
in to a blood bath.. she got a House Sparrow(they are in abundance here) now this isn't the 1st
time that she got one, but most of the time its alive and we just let it go, 2 we nursed back and 2
didn't make it. We don't love it, in fact I hate it, any animal suffering is hard for me to take but
with cats it can happen. But this time it was a really horrible.

There was blood everywhere, I am not exaggerating. She got in through a hole she made in our
screen door. This never happened before, all that blood. The other 2 times she killed one there
wasn't any blood at all. I got to walk in just as it literally took its last breath. I started to cry and
had to wash the floor by hand and then use the mop to get it all up. Twice.

I mean what was that? I can’t even wallow in my self-pity in my own daily dairy and
what.....????? Is this a punishment for feeling bad for myself?

So I was really upset to say the least. I could feel myself starting to shut down and was
like...what the h@#*? I ask for a sign and I get a massacre? I quit! Well, to my surprise I found
myself being very afraid of losing my faith, my spirituality. I worked to darn hard for it! And I
love it! I was more afraid of losing that than I was afraid I didn't "deserve it"…that was a huge
step for this dragon I can tell you.

So I reached out to Cinnamon and asked about Swallow Medicine and if this swallow was a
message for me. Of course while I was asking her this, whether or not she knew it, I was shaking
in my boots that it was some horrible omen. It was THE SIGN that I had been waiting for..."You
do not deserve your prayers to be answered!!!" "You're a bad person!!!!"

Well, I could never explain Cinnamon's answers to me..... like she could herself…so instead I
will tell you what I learned through her guidance and support. And how once again, as you will
see as you read this, that changing my perspective, changed the whole experience.

This is what she told me .... “…yes, it's a sacrifice it made for you. Have you recently prayed for
something you needed badly? If it relates to Swallow Medicine (and you'll have that answer in
the information I share) then it is telling you that your prayer will be answered. It gave it's spirit
to do this. So thank it for the sacrifice, perhaps if you can still salvage a feather or wing you
could keep that too. It holds the essence of Swallow's Medicine for you.”

So of course at 1st I was like…"Oh no!" "It's my fault!" "If I knew this would happen......" And
yes, I did pray for something I needed badly, very badly!!! I was so confused and feeling guilty.
She talked me off the ledge... LOL....and got me to understand I did nothing wrong and that we
all can ask for physical/solid signs. That what happened was Spirit’s decision not mine, it was
out of my hands. She figured that I had asked for something to end so I could start my life in a
new way. She was exactly right, and I see now that was Sparrows message and Spirits answer.
That yes, this was going to or already is in the process of happening, that good changes are
coming. A sign that this very long cycle is coming to an end.

After I had finished writing in my dairy about it, I buried Sparrow in my back yard in a corner
where she wouldn't be disturbed. I said a blessing for her soul and thanked her if it was a
message (I hadn't talked to Cinn yet) and said I was sorry how it died. After I finished burying it
I asked her to please guide someone who really needs her now.

Some of the things I learned through this experience........

This I feel was the most important lesson learned......

That trust in myself is every bit as important as trusting in Spirit. You need both.
Spirit has given me gifts, given all of us gifts, in many forms including opportunities. I have to
learn to accept them and to give myself permission to do just that. That I do deserve to ask for a
sign, to pray for myself, to take care of me as well as others. To take what Spirit offers.
Another very important one...to reach out to others, no matter how silly or too personal you think
your questions may be. I know it makes us feel vulnerable, exposed even at those times, but
usually those are the areas we need to address the most.

Share your thoughts and fears and questions as well as experiences. You’re not going to be
judged here. Only wrapped in allot of blankets. Sharing is cleansing and comforting as well as
teaching and learning. I know for me I had shared with the wrong people for years, I judged the
whole world by that. Now if I share with the wrong person I know right away and I move on by,
that took a long time for me to learn. For every wrong person I have encountered... I have found
2 of the right ones..... now that I am reaching out again.

Cinn also pointed out to me how important it is to trust my "sensations"... those little knowing
"tingles" ...that they are right 99.9% of the time and just trust that. I have decided to take her
advice and do just that, I am taking the plunge!! LOL...head 1st even...it feels good to let go of
the fight. Just trust in myself and Spirit and follow my feet. I am sure I will need to be reminded
in the future of my own words of wisdom. "smile"

Between Spirits message and Cinnamon's guidance (bridging the gaps..*grin*) and warm
"blankets" this experience went from mistrust, sadness ,guilt and losing my faith......to awe, love,
honor and a growing of my faith, trust and a lesson in perspectives.

I’s so wonderful that through all the negative I was feeling and facing, I did find that "twinkle"
that I didn't even know was inside me and reached out with it. That in itself has shown me that I
truly am "Walking my Talk" no matter how slow & at times trudging, those baby steps may be at this time.

I will always have a special place in my heart for Sparrow. And in the future, if anyone ever asks
how I learned all this? I will honestly be able to say..."A little birdie told me" …May her spirit
go in peace and honor for her sacrifice.


Well spoken, Dragon!!! What a beautiful multi-layered lesson you have received and what a
lovely transformation will result. Learning can be such a beautiful experience, eh? Thank you for
the courage to share it publicly. I'm sure many others will be benefitting from this. What was
Spirit saying? (Stealing from Mouse's vision of this little guy -- hope you don't mind but I see it
so clearly now that you've pointed it out!) Spirit was saying "This way to the highway"!


Oh, Dragon-Girl! I am very happy for you. What a time! You crazy girl - I know you have been
chewed on because you are so gifted and don't believe in yourself. Maybe instead of a 'character
flaw' just consider this a virus. Something that's foreign that has just latched onto you which you
will throw off. Whup! Got that 'cruddy-me-virus' again.

I was so happy for you when I read this: “I was more afraid of losing that than I was afraid I
didn't "deserve it"...that was a huge step for this dragon.” You know that I've worked with my
self-esteem or my "where-i-really-oughtta-be-if-i-were-really-really-a-spiritual-creature", and
you, Girl, are one of the dear people who have helped support me through these exercises.
I was thinking this morning, we can't help but think about Spirit, because we are in love. We
don't always believe in ourselves, we don't always believe in Spirit, but that doesn't even stop us.
Because we believe even when we don't believe. Because we are in love.

We pursue Spirit with the same zeal that Richard Dreyfus chased Suzanne Sommers in her white
Thunderbird in "American Graffiti". We are just smitten, and regardless of us, how we feel about
us, how we feel about anything we are just going to go after that T-bird. We have to.
And Spirit came and told you that you are Its Own. I love you, Honey, and i bless you in your


Cinnamon, LOL, yes, Mouse has a good vision of this guy LOL And thank you...for everything.
Minna, as usual you know just what to say to make me get all mushy inside and feel so very
loved. I love you too ya know, you have a special place in my heart and have for some time.
“You know that I've worked with my self-esteem or my "where-i-really-oughtta-be-if-i-werereally-really-a-spiritual-creature",
yes, I know you have struggled with this also That is exactly what runs through my head a lot too , lol..
“…and you, Girl, are one of the dear people who have helped support me through these
exercises.” Right back at ya baby! Just like I told you before. You have helped me more than you know.

“Because we believe even when we don't believe. Because we are in love.” I absolutely agree!
“And Spirit came and told you that you are Its Own” Thank you Minna, that was lovely and I felt it right into my heart.

Cinn had mentioned to me that there may be a gift of a feather, but I hadn’t found one. So I just
figured if it was meant I will see one and I will accept as mine. Well, a few minutes ago I was
talking to friend on the phone and thought my husband had forgotten the trash bag on the back
deck again (where it will it get ripped open by assorted animals). So I go stomping out there,
getting totally aggravated over such a small thing, and exactly where the trash bag would have
been, was a perfect Swallow feather! I was so excited LOL. So I got another lesson from Spirit to
"knock it off" and a gift from Swallow all at once. Gotta love the humor in it. I can't wait to see what comes up next.


That is so lovely, Dragon I'm wondering if Spirit is taking its Sweet Time in showing you your
follow-up gifts to let you know that "She doesn't forget", and, as I sometimes have to chide
myself for: So you remember that, yes, it was real, and yes, still is real and still is for you. Thank
you for telling about your sparrow spirit gift.


Thank you for your thoughts Minna, and I do agree with them. Because I was still a little afraid
of believing 100% (I was 98% believing)and it was so wonderful to get my little "reminder"
today. I have been smiling big ever since, lol.. I feel so honored to have received this. ((hugs))


Yay!!! And just look at all the meaning behind it already!

Libraries are on this row
INDEX Page 1
(Divination & Dreams, Guides & Spirit Helpers)
INDEX Page 2
INDEX Page 3
(Main Section, Medicine Wheel, Native Languages & Nations, Symbology)
INDEX Page 4
(Myth & Lore)
INDEX Page 5
(Sacred Feminine & Masculine, Stones & Minerals)
INDEX Page 6
(Spiritual Development)
INDEX Page 7
(Totem Animals)
INDEX Page 8
(Tools & Crafts. Copyrights)

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