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LOSING FAITH, GETTING IT BACK,
AND ONCE AGAIN
Hi everyone, I had quite an experience
a few days ago and was asked to share it so maybe others
can benefit from it also. I hope that anyone who has something
more to add to this will post it.
I have been really struggling with having faith, actually I
always have struggled with it. I
thought, key word being " thought " LOL, that I was
winning that struggle at last. Instead I got a
lesson in how to grow with it and through it, instead of trying
to possess it.
At one time or another we all have gone or will go through that
"cleaning out " of our hearts and
minds. Opening & then closing doors to the past and our
old fears and learned behaviors. Finding
out the how's and whys. There has been allot of layers for me
to go through and have been for
the last 2.5 years, but lately its been more intensive
with making connections and more than just
peeling the layers, I have been ripping them apart. It was time,
I opened all the doors and now I
was cleaning the ever living heck out the rooms. ZOOOM>>>>
I seriously was and am ready to
move forward...to keep walking. Or as it has been put to me...Walking
Anyway, I was at the point, had been at the point really, to
have something manifest itself out of
all this hard work I was doing
Lately I have been desperate
So nothing was happening, at least nothing that I was seeing
or maybe was believing/trusting?
:snoot I could feel my struggle with my faith starting to slip
and wondering once again, do I
deserve anything good? Have I not done enough to earn it ??
Am I a bad person, made too many
mistakes ????... ..etc., etc. ...I went on and on...LOL
For more on my feelings on this, see my daily dairy/journal
and look under the title "Faith" its a
grand Pity Party ..fun for all! LOL!
I got desperate enough, as I was feeling like my Spirituality
was just slipping away, to beg more
than pray or ask Spirit for a "solid" sign that positive
changes were coming to me so I could
really move on and know what I am meant to do with my life,
to do whatever it is that Spirit has
in mind for me, to finally be at peace in myself and be happy.
I get vague feelings of where I am going, what I could be doing
when its time. When I am ready.
Do you know that feeling of there is something to grab onto?
You can feel it building inside,
youre not sure what it is just yet but its there
for the taking? For me its like a growing
excitement, like I am getting closer & closer....but....just...not....quite...ugh.
Then I tend to shut
down and or get a little cranky.
So while I am in the middle of stomping my feet about doing
all this hard work for nothing and
nobody even knows I exist
I hear my cat(one of them) just
yowling away in the kitchen, it
sounded like she was hurt or something and (I copy and pasted
this part from my dairy) I come
in to a blood bath.. she got a House Sparrow(they are in abundance
here) now this isn't the 1st
time that she got one, but most of the time its alive and we
just let it go, 2 we nursed back and 2
didn't make it. We don't love it, in fact I hate it, any animal
suffering is hard for me to take but
with cats it can happen. But this time it was a really horrible.
There was blood everywhere, I am not exaggerating. She got in
through a hole she made in our
screen door. This never happened before, all that blood. The
other 2 times she killed one there
wasn't any blood at all. I got to walk in just as it literally
took its last breath. I started to cry and
had to wash the floor by hand and then use the mop to get it
all up. Twice.
I mean what was that? I cant even wallow in my self-pity
in my own daily dairy and
what.....????? Is this a punishment for feeling bad for myself?
So I was really upset to say the least. I could feel myself
starting to shut down and was
like...what the h@#*? I ask for a sign and I get a massacre?
I quit! Well, to my surprise I found
myself being very afraid of losing my faith, my spirituality.
I worked to darn hard for it! And I
love it! I was more afraid of losing that than I was afraid
I didn't "deserve it"
that was a huge
step for this dragon I can tell you.
So I reached out to Cinnamon and asked about Swallow Medicine
and if this swallow was a
message for me. Of course while I was asking her this, whether
or not she knew it, I was shaking
in my boots that it was some horrible omen. It was THE SIGN
that I had been waiting for..."You
do not deserve your prayers to be answered!!!" "You're
a bad person!!!!"
Well, I could never explain Cinnamon's answers to me..... like
she could herself
so instead I
will tell you what I learned through her guidance and support.
And how once again, as you will
see as you read this, that changing my perspective, changed
the whole experience.
This is what she told me ....
yes, it's a sacrifice
it made for you. Have you recently prayed for
something you needed badly? If it relates to Swallow Medicine
(and you'll have that answer in
the information I share) then it is telling you that your prayer
will be answered. It gave it's spirit
to do this. So thank it for the sacrifice, perhaps if you can
still salvage a feather or wing you
could keep that too. It holds the essence of Swallow's Medicine
So of course at 1st I was like
"Oh no!" "It's
my fault!" "If I knew this would happen......"
yes, I did pray for something I needed badly, very badly!!!
I was so confused and feeling guilty.
She talked me off the ledge... LOL....and got me to understand
I did nothing wrong and that we
all can ask for physical/solid signs. That what happened was
Spirits decision not mine, it was
out of my hands. She figured that I had asked for something
to end so I could start my life in a
new way. She was exactly right, and I see now that was Sparrows
message and Spirits answer.
That yes, this was going to or already is in the process of
happening, that good changes are
coming. A sign that this very long cycle is coming to an end.
After I had finished writing in my dairy about it, I buried
Sparrow in my back yard in a corner
where she wouldn't be disturbed. I said a blessing for her soul
and thanked her if it was a
message (I hadn't talked to Cinn yet) and said I was sorry how
it died. After I finished burying it
I asked her to please guide someone who really needs her now.
Some of the things I learned through this experience........
This I feel was the most important lesson learned......
That trust in myself is every bit as important as trusting in
Spirit. You need both.
Spirit has given me gifts, given all of us gifts, in many forms
including opportunities. I have to
learn to accept them and to give myself permission to do just
that. That I do deserve to ask for a
sign, to pray for myself, to take care of me as well as others.
To take what Spirit offers.
Another very important one...to reach out to others, no matter
how silly or too personal you think
your questions may be. I know it makes us feel vulnerable, exposed
even at those times, but
usually those are the areas we need to address the most.
Share your thoughts and fears and questions as well as experiences.
Youre not going to be
judged here. Only wrapped in allot of blankets. Sharing is cleansing
and comforting as well as
teaching and learning. I know for me I had shared with the wrong
people for years, I judged the
whole world by that. Now if I share with the wrong person I
know right away and I move on by,
that took a long time for me to learn. For every wrong person
I have encountered... I have found
2 of the right ones..... now that I am reaching out again.
Cinn also pointed out to me how important it is to trust my
"sensations"... those little knowing
"tingles" ...that they are right 99.9% of the time
and just trust that. I have decided to take her
advice and do just that, I am taking the plunge!! LOL...head
1st even...it feels good to let go of
the fight. Just trust in myself and Spirit and follow my feet.
I am sure I will need to be reminded
in the future of my own words of wisdom. "smile"
Between Spirits message and Cinnamon's guidance (bridging the
gaps..*grin*) and warm
"blankets" this experience went from mistrust, sadness
,guilt and losing my faith......to awe, love,
honor and a growing of my faith, trust and a lesson in perspectives.
Is so wonderful that through all the negative I was feeling
and facing, I did find that "twinkle"
that I didn't even know was inside me and reached out with it.
That in itself has shown me that I
truly am "Walking my Talk" no matter how slow &
at times trudging, those baby steps may be at this time.
I will always have a special place in my heart for Sparrow.
And in the future, if anyone ever asks
how I learned all this? I will honestly be able to say..."A
little birdie told me"
May her spirit
go in peace and honor for her sacrifice.
Well spoken, Dragon!!! What a beautiful multi-layered lesson
you have received and what a
lovely transformation will result. Learning can be such a beautiful
experience, eh? Thank you for
the courage to share it publicly. I'm sure many others will
be benefitting from this. What was
Spirit saying? (Stealing from Mouse's vision of this little
guy -- hope you don't mind but I see it
so clearly now that you've pointed it out!) Spirit was saying
"This way to the highway"!
Oh, Dragon-Girl! I am very happy for you. What a time! You crazy
girl - I know you have been
chewed on because you are so gifted and don't believe in yourself.
Maybe instead of a 'character
flaw' just consider this a virus. Something that's foreign that
has just latched onto you which you
will throw off. Whup! Got that 'cruddy-me-virus' again.
I was so happy for you when I read this: I was more afraid
of losing that than I was afraid I
didn't "deserve it"...that was a huge step for this
dragon. You know that I've worked with my
self-esteem or my "where-i-really-oughtta-be-if-i-were-really-really-a-spiritual-creature",
you, Girl, are one of the dear people who have helped support
me through these exercises.
I was thinking this morning, we can't help but think about Spirit,
because we are in love. We
don't always believe in ourselves, we don't always believe in
Spirit, but that doesn't even stop us.
Because we believe even when we don't believe. Because we are
We pursue Spirit with the same zeal that Richard Dreyfus chased
Suzanne Sommers in her white
Thunderbird in "American Graffiti". We are just smitten,
and regardless of us, how we feel about
us, how we feel about anything we are just going to go after
that T-bird. We have to.
And Spirit came and told you that you are Its Own. I love you,
Honey, and i bless you in your
Cinnamon, LOL, yes, Mouse has a good vision of this guy LOL
And thank you...for everything.
Minna, as usual you know just what to say to make me get all
mushy inside and feel so very
loved. I love you too ya know, you have a special place in my
heart and have for some time.
You know that I've worked with my self-esteem or my "where-i-really-oughtta-be-if-i-werereally-really-a-spiritual-creature",
yes, I know you have struggled with this also That is exactly
what runs through my head a lot too , lol..
and you, Girl, are one of the dear people who have
helped support me through these
exercises. Right back at ya baby! Just like I told you
before. You have helped me more than you know.
Because we believe even when we don't believe. Because
we are in love. I absolutely agree!
And Spirit came and told you that you are Its Own
Thank you Minna, that was lovely and I felt it right into my
Cinn had mentioned to me that there may be a gift of a feather,
but I hadnt found one. So I just
figured if it was meant I will see one and I will accept as
mine. Well, a few minutes ago I was
talking to friend on the phone and thought my husband had forgotten
the trash bag on the back
deck again (where it will it get ripped open by assorted animals).
So I go stomping out there,
getting totally aggravated over such a small thing, and exactly
where the trash bag would have
been, was a perfect Swallow feather! I was so excited LOL. So
I got another lesson from Spirit to
"knock it off" and a gift from Swallow all at once.
Gotta love the humor in it. I can't wait to see what comes up
That is so lovely, Dragon I'm wondering if Spirit is taking
its Sweet Time in showing you your
follow-up gifts to let you know that "She doesn't forget",
and, as I sometimes have to chide
myself for: So you remember that, yes, it was real, and yes,
still is real and still is for you. Thank
you for telling about your sparrow spirit gift.
Thank you for your thoughts Minna, and I do agree with them.
Because I was still a little afraid
of believing 100% (I was 98% believing)and it was so wonderful
to get my little "reminder"
today. I have been smiling big ever since, lol.. I feel so honored
to have received this. ((hugs))
Yay!!! And just look at all the meaning behind it already!
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