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THE GIFT OF REJECTION
Everyone has known this disappointment from time to time. It
doesn't matter what your age or
what the circumstance, rejection will find you sooner or later.
Coat it in a friendly positive
affirmation, flip it around so it looks better than it feels,
manipulate the concept any way you
want but it changes nothing. Rejection is rejection and the
sooner you accept it the sooner you
can move on.
Rejection.... to refuse to take, have or use.... to refuse to
grant or to deny.... to refuse to accept or
admit.... to discard as useless or unsatisfactory.
I work a lot with definitions. Often people don't mean what
they say or say what it is they mean
and oft times, we aren't even talking about the same thing.
Experience has shaded our concepts
and words clouding communication. Definitions are an effective
way to attempt to stay on the
same page with each other and sometimes speak the truth of the
matter better than the social
concepts of words do.
To disregard as useless.. how many times have you felt like
that? Perhaps it was a good idea you
had that no one wanted. Perhaps like me, you're a writer and
get those cute little form letters.
Perhaps you've been jilted by someone you not only admired but
loved and now think something
is wrong with you because of it. Perhaps you didn't get the
job you wanted and were qualified for
because of something or other. We live with daily rejection
from all aspects of our lives. Positive
and negative - always together.
The challenge isn't that we are 'rejected' really. It's the
coping with the entire process. The first
step is in how you distribute your energy towards a goal. Many
of us feel an attachment to the
outcome of a particular endeavor. As a writer - this is entirely
all too familiar to me.
The anticipation: the manuscript is sent away to various strangers
The waiting: will it come back to me, get lost or be accepted?
The fantasy: this is a normal outgrowth of the waiting period.
I believe if there was no such thing
as waiting, we wouldn't attach ourselves to the outcome of anything.
But because we are linear -
such is how it goes. The fantasy is how we create our internal
reality of what we want or fear
will happen. It's the way we prepare ourselves and create our
action or reaction to events that are
outside our control. This is the primary phase within that can
be very effective in eliminating
attachment. If as a writer - I could just send it and forget
it , I wouldn't attach to the outcome with
any expectations one way or the other.
Here is the result phase. You have set something into motion
and that motion has returned to
you. This gives a person a sense of closure and a feeling of
Then the punishment phase. I'm less than because the outcome
Normally, this process goes on below our understanding. Bringing
it into the light of our
conscious awareness gives us the power of choice over our reactions
and expectations. It also
gives us to ability to shape change within ourselves.
Rejection happens in the result phase - when whatever the challenge
is has been judged and
declared invalid or wanting. No matter how carefully you prepare
yourself - you can never be
ready for it. No matter how you twist the experience into a
positive affirmation, it won't fit into
what you want it to. What went wrong? Why can't you just deal?
Go back to the process - the buildup. The key is to interrupt
the flow of your normal thought
process and challenge them. See, you may try to handle the outcome
but all those things you
created before the outcome happened have a voice as well. (and
all of them sound like Carl
Malden;) So lets go back to the second. I use that one
because you must have the set in motion
phase to get all the rest. So we return to the waiting....
I wonder just how much time collectively we spend waiting -
at stop lights - in line at the store -
for our turn in the bathroom. I figure we should all be experts
at it by now. After all, time will
pass won't it? Isn't that a sure thing? If we understand that
- then what's the problem? Raise your
hand if you've been at work and watching the seconds tick off
to a big weekend you have
planned. God give me patience and I want them NOW!
What's the solution? Learn to flow with time instead of put
your energy against it. You ever hear
the phrase - 'Be in the now?' Where is that exactly anyway?
I have a friend who used the word
'yonder' a lot. I finally asked her where it was and she couldn't
tell me. So I thought and thought
and then figured it out. It's anywhere you aren't. So when's
now? Any time that isn't the past or
future. So think about it for a moment. If you're attached to
the outcome - you're living in a
future moment, not the now. Focus your attention on this now,
each time it comes. It's a
profound life to live in the moment. If you can accomplish this
- there will be no attachment to
the outcome - no frustration...
If you can't master that then try interrupting the next phase
- the fantasy. Creative imaginations
with time to wait.. can there be any greater formula for attachment?
Here is where you will set
yourself up by creating your personal validation to be dependent
on another by way of
acceptance - the opposite being of course, rejection. It is
also a form of limitation.
While you are waiting - the imagination begins to create possibilities.
What will happen if... In
fairness to life in general, you consider positive and negative
aspects of what if's and what you
will do when 'what if' happens or doesn't happen. When used
in this way - it's a protective
mechanism used to shelter a fragile insecurity. Find the insecurity
and challenge that directly and
you interrupt that phase.
The result phase - this one will come no matter what you do
or don't do once you set event's into
motion. If you've managed to interrupt the phases above, this
phase won't be as dramatic as it
The punishment phase - this happens mostly when the outcome
has negative attachments and the
person feels that they need to take responsibility in some way
or another for it. So follows the
thoughts; 'I knew I should've.... I wish I had.... I just couldn't...'
This is all those 'what if's' coming
home to roost. Many times people will get defensive about their
punishment - as though they
must take responsibility for whatever. ' You don't understand...
I had to....' It's also another way
to control something outside of their control and when that
aspect is confronted - those thoughts
will quiet down to a dull roar and reveal other dynamics that
you can do something about.
The gift of rejection is that you can use it to revel your inner
workings to your conscious mind
and therefore, into the realm of choice and empowerment.
Offered for your consideration...
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