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Healing From the Anger of Abuse
I have been following the wonderful,
healing threads about PTSD, anger, grief, and the healing
of wounded healers that have been developing here in the last
few weeks with awe and
appreciation. The amount of compassion and healing that is exhibited
has been inspiring. As I
have read of the experiences of others and the measures they
have taken to heal I have been
struck by the struggles to heal from anger - both destructive
anger directed at an individual and
the anger generated in an individual by the abuse or trauma
they have lived through. And I know
for myself how hard it is to really let go of anger... to weed
it out of the garden of one's psyche.
I, too, was a battered wife - I left the day after he had broken
my jaw after having shouted hours
of corrosive abuse at me. While going through the divorce that
followed he continued to heap
abuse on me and at one time threatened to kill me - fortunately
that time there were witnesses to
his threats. But I was so angry and frightened of him that trying
to talk with him, even with
attorneys present, was very difficult. I would either cry or
shake. So I had to find ways to let go
of the emotions that fueled the unhelpful responses.
One thing I did was join a Jazzercise
There was one exercise that involved arm movements like boxing...
I would imagine his face 6
inches closer to me than the end of my arm... and punch away.
To all outward appearances I was
just exercising. But internally I was working off my anger and
fear. Another thing I was able to
do was some kick boxing .... LOL well, I was living in a dormitory
at the time which had a very
long hall way. During vacations when no students were around
I would run up and down the
halls in my stocking feet screaming - and aim kicks at the walls
and imagine his stomach or
knees or back side right where my foot would land. Now - and
then - it is not in my nature to be
physically aggressive with anyone. I had no desire to physically
hurt him - but I did need to work
off the built up anger that was inside of me.
Above I mentioned "destructive anger" for I believe
there are different types of anger... some
destructive and some quite helpful and even protective. Destructive
anger IMO comes when the
motivation is to deliberately hurt someone else - either to
show power over someone or to control
or just because..... I am sure we are all aware that there are
individuals who enjoy inflicting pain
and maybe you have encountered such individuals. But what I
wanted to talk about here isn't that
kind of anger. Even the anger that comes from being threatened,
or having your feelings hurt, or
the fear response that comes from traumatic events and gets
covered up by anger can leave
residuals that become corrosive over time.
Anger and it's closely related emotional relative - fear - come
from a specific physiological
reaction - the Fight or Flight reaction - produced by chemicals
in the body such as adrenaline,
epinephrine, and norepinephrine. Every vertebrate creature has
this same chemical process built
into their nervous system!!! So what do these chemicals do?
Fight or flight effects include:
* Our senses sharpening. Pupils dilate (open out) so we can
see more clearly, even in darkness.
Our hairs stand on end, making us more sensitive to our environment
(and also making us appear
larger, hopefully intimidating our opponent). Our hearing becomes
more acute and our sense of
smell also becomes enhanced.
* The cardio-vascular system leaping into action, with the heart
pump rate going from one up to
five gallons per minutes and our arteries constricting to maximize
pressure around the system
whilst the veins open out to ease return of blood to the heart.
* The respiratory system joining in as the lungs, throat and
nostrils open up and breathing
speeding up to get more air in the system so the increased blood
flow can be re-oxygenated. The
blood carries oxygen to the muscles, allowing them to work harder.
Deeper breathing also helps
us to scream more loudly!
* Fat from fatty cells and glucose from the liver being metabolized
to create instant energy.
Blood vessels to the kidney and digestive system being constricted,
effectively shutting down
systems that are not essential. A part of this effect is reduction
of saliva in the mouth. The bowels
and bladder may also open out to reduce the need for other internal
actions (this might also
dissuade our attackers!). Also the reproductive system shuts
* Blood vessels to the skin being constricted reducing any potential
blood loss. Sweat glands also
open, providing an external cooling liquid to our over-worked
system. (this makes the skin look
pale and clammy).
* Endorphins, which are the body's natural pain killers, are
released (when you are fighting, you
do not want be bothered with pain--that can be put off until
* The natural judgment system is also turned down and more primitive
responses take over-this
is a time for action rather than deep thought.
So the body prepares to fight off a threat or run away from
the threat. But what happens if this
protective system is thwarted - if you can not fight back or
run away because you are too small
or are over powered by a stronger individual? Or you are trapped
in a situation where escape is
not possible? With your senses heightened you will remember
each moment of the experience.
You will associate this heightened state with fear or anger.
And the feelings of powerlessness
may leave you feeling angry and helpless. If the trauma involves
sexual assault you may also
associate this state with sexual activity. And if the abuse
is repeated - as does happen all too
often - the associations of trauma with this heightened state
dig deeper pathways into memory -
both memory in the mind and memory in the body.
Sometimes the trauma is so overwhelming that you disassociate
the experience... wall it off,
encapsulate the whole experience, separate it from the rest
of your psyche. Many young children
do this as a protective measure during severe abuse. They "forget"
what happened because the
experience has been psychologically removed from their awareness.
And when they get older
sometimes those walled off experiences stop being walled off
- or the wall gets breached
somehow - and the memories come back to awareness in the form
of flashbacks or nightmares.
Even disassociated experiences - unremembered experiences -
like this can cause odd problems
in later life.
When I was about 3 I underwent an experimental treatment for
chronic ear infections - radiation
treatment. My mother just said I was going to get treatment
to make my ears better. When we
went to the hospital for the treatment 2 men took me into a
room with (from a 3 year olds
perspective) big and strange machines. As I remember it they
did not say much to me... no
explanations, no soothing - just put me on the cold hard x-ray
table - and strapped me down. Put
straps around my body, straps around my head and my jaw was
also strapped closed. Then they
aimed the x-ray machine... walked away from me to go behind
a wall ... and the machine started
making loud zapping noises. I was terrified! But could not scream,
cry, fight, or run away. My
mother said I had bad dreams for a while after that but then
seemed to forget about it. But as I
got older some odd incidences happened. Like having a panic
attack when I had to have head xrays
after my ex broke my jaw. Like throwing a mini hissy fit when
my 18mo old son had to
have head x-rays when he wacked his head on a metal table -
the xray folks wanted to have me
stay in the waiting room and I got so panicky and (from their
point of view, I guess) hysterical
that they had to let me stay with him. But afterwards I really
questioned myself because the
reaction was way over the top.
Then when my 2nd child was about 6mo I got a letter from the
hospital where the treatment was
done saying some patients who'd had this treatment were developing
thyroid cancer and I should
have my thyroid checked.... and I did not remember having had
the treatment at all - had to call
my folks and find out about it. Several years later I went to
work for my current company and
my first office (a converted broom closet - really!) was right
next to the x-ray department - and
every time I was working and a child was in x-ray crying - I'd
have a full blown panic attack!
And I had another panic attack when I had to have an CT Scan
because I was having inner ear
problems. I thought all this through for a while and decided
that these reactions probably had
something to do with the x-ray treatment I had gotten as a child...
but that insight did NOT make
these reactions stop! I was seeing a therapist at the time about
some other issues and one day
while in session I relived that whole experience of getting
the x-ray treatment. It was very
interesting ... there was a part of me that was observing what
happened in the therapist's office
(seemed like I was hovering just over my own left shoulder)
... and another part of me was sitting
on the couch reliving the experience. And the part on the couch
really was only 3 years old. As I
tried to explain... in the limited vocabulary of a 3yo ... and
talking through clenched teeth like my
jaws were strapped shut....what had happened, tears were running
down my face, my fists were
clenched but my arms could not move from my sides, and my heels
were dug into the carpet and
were pushing back so hard in an effort to escape the remembered
straps that I almost tipped the
couch over backwards. And I was so angry at those men ... and
at my mother ... that I threw a
3yo's tantrum right there on the office floor. And of course
felt very embarrassed and chagrinned
afterwards - "That is what is called an abreaction"
said my therapist. "And it is a good thing.
Because now all of that rage and fear is dissipated and it will
not come back". And that was true!
When I went back to work I no longer had panic attacks when
a child was crying in x-ray.... still
wanted to comfort that child ... but as the mature motherly
type person I am... not mixed up with
the panicky angry child I was. And I was finally able to cry
out loud... for years I had been
unable to make any noise at all when I cried. And I was able
to be more verbally assertive... my
jaws were finally unstrapped!
It appears to me that unless fear and anger from traumatic events
are allowed to find an outlet ...
and expression of their intensity... these emotions will continue
to linger in the body and the
psyche. And Oh yes our bodies often remember things that our
minds do not. Have you ever
gotten a massage and found yourself crying in the middle of
it? Probably an old memory is being
released. Or smelled a particular aroma and had an odd reaction
to it? Smell is a very primitive
sense and reactions to scents can be very dramatic - both in
good ways and in not so good ways.
Even if you've never been through severe trauma, anger can build
up over time. It's sort of like
filling a water balloon. Many of us have been taught not to
express anger in any way...even
expressing annoyance or feelings of emotional hurt were frown
upon. So we stuffed those
feelings down... poured them into the water balloon... until
one day the last drop went in and
POW - the balloon explodes! And afterward we (and often those
around us) are left going "Huh?
What was that all about? Whatever was going on didn't warrant
that big a reaction!" It's like all
those big and small annoyances, peeves, irritations, vexations
got distilled down to toxic sludge.
And the bursting of that sludge filled balloon can be detrimental
to relationships and your
perception of yourself as a rational human being!
So how can you release this type of anger? Well different techniques
will work for different
people. The basic formula (IMO) is intellectual awareness of
the causes of your anger + the
connection of the emotions to the experiences that created them
+ physical expression and
release of the emotions. IMO this work requires physical action
of some type. Doing this type of
work in your head or by journaling only goes so far and does
not (again IMO) release the very
real physical residue of these intense emotions. It seems that
you have to really burn off the old
nervous system chemicals that fuel the Fight/Flight response
before you can truly let go of the
anger/fear. A word of caution though... if you are not use to
intense emotional expression this
may be scary the first time you do it! My experience of this
type of release is that my body
shakes - sometimes violently depending on the intensity of the
emotion - I cry, scream, rage - I
feel dizzy, sick to my stomach, and on occasion I hyperventilate.
And afterwards I tend to go to
sleep for a good long time.
The following exercises all have the same basic rules:
1-You may not hurt yourself or anyone else.
2-You may not damage anything that is of value to you or anyone
3-Do the exercises in a place where you feel safe and where
you can be alone ... or have one
trusted person with you.
As mentioned above you can work off some of this kind of residual
anger through physical
exercise - just connect an experience with the emotion and "act
it out' while you exercise like my
Jazzercise experience above. Punching on a punching bag or pillow
can help. Throwing a ball at
a target, throwing stones into a lake, river or pond. Bicycling
- jogging - Physically demanding
chores like chopping wood, hoeing a garden, pulling weeds, etc.
can also be useful for working
off anger from everyday annoyances.
For larger issues - or when you are aware of a pattern of behaviors
on the part of someone else
that erodes you self-esteem - or for anger involving a particular
person, place, or situation that
has gone on for quite a while - And particularly for situations
or individuals where it is not safe
to express your emotions directly.
Materials needed: one cardboard box (pick a size that seems
to you to "fit" what you are angry
about, use a separate box for each distinct area of anger);
dark colored marker, crayon, or paint;
scissors; a large empty space where you feel safe (basement,
garage, barn, backyard).
1-Label the box with the person or situation you feel
2-Start writing on the box all that you feel about this
particular situation or person - get intense
about it, scribble, write large, put as much emotion as you
can into the writing, write all the
things you KNOW you would never ever say in public. I guarantee
no one will ever be able to
read what you write on this box. Keep writing inside and outside
of the box until you run out of
3-Now start kicking the box - kick it all around the
space you are in - yell at it -stomp on it - bash
that box to smithereens. Remember every incident where the person
or situation caused you to
stuff down anger or fear. You know and I know that you would
never do this kind of physical
punishment to a person... this is just an inanimate box that
is extending it's usefulness by being a
focus for the release of this intense emotion.
4-When you have expended all of the energy you can about
this particular source of anger or fear
on this box.... take up the scissors and cut it into pieces
- just chop it all up - shred it.
5-And finally take the pieces of the box and burn them
in a safe fire. As they burn ask Spirit to
take into safe keeping any residual anger left. Pray for strength
and for calmness. Thank Spirit
for giving you the opportunity to say good bye to this toxic
sludge of anger.
6-Then go take a warm soaking bath, have a good meal
and a good sleep. Over the next few days
feel any differences in your body. Watch and see if you react
differently to situations that might
have caused you anger in the past. Notice whether or not others
react differently to you.... and
Thank you so much for sharing! I love your solution at the end.
The biggest problems arise from
anger when it is denied or unexpressed. Then it just feeds on
itself and can cause untold damage.
The 'box therapy' sounds like a superb way to express anger
and thereby release it with minimal
damage to others. (Though the person who's name is on the box
will likely feel something
energetically while it's going on , so it would be good to set
the intention to heal oneself and not
to hurt the other)
Thank you so much, EaglesHand. For your article and your explanations,
and your sharing of
your story. Wow. Just wow. Why do we develop amnesia about things
we know, and then, thank
goodness, we have friends who remind us to re-member important
stuff that we forgot? Well,
thank goodness for friends. I remember something that Bear and
i used to do when we were first
together. We both had some stuff to deal with, and Bear taught
me this. I don't know where he
got it - i'll have to ask. We call it, "being a Face"
for each other. There is a person who is angry
or upset about something, and then there is the person who volunteers
to be a "Face". Of course,
it's best if the "face" isn't tied in to what is upsetting
the first person. And the "face" has to be
somebody you trust.
So what we would do, and I've done this since with other people
too as needed - is - the "Face"
just sits there, and is completely expressionless. You only
present a face, no emotion, no
reaction, only a face-object-person to vent to, and more importantly
- at. The person who is
angry, looks at the "Face" and says, yells, cries
every single angry, mean, unfair, emotional,
judgmental, wounded, crappy thing that they can think of - everything
that comes to them that
they wished they had, or would like to say to the person who
wounded them. The person who
needs to dump - just goes on and rants - everything (well, unless
one of you wears out - then you
gotta take a break). The "face" does not react,
and just lets this all flow past them. It is not for
them to pick up, or sympathize with or fix. Their only job is
present a face, to witness and to
allow. No hitting, ever, of course - only words.
I'd forgotten about this. It was really helpful to each of us.
In a way, it's kind of like going back
in time and saying everything that you ever wanted to say without
fear of reprisal. It lets a whole
lot go, and gives back some of your power in being able to express
the things that you were
never able to. And no expression from "The Face" means
it's all about you - no reactions to react
to, no threats, no manipulative words, no 'sorry' to confuse
you - just your expression of all the
things that you feel. Thank you, EH, for helping me remember
this. And thank you for these
wonderful words to help in healing ourselves.
Thank you EaglesHand, I am very happy that you were able to
start and move on in your healing
process. If there is anything I or any of us can do to help,
feel free to call on us. We are all good
It always amazes me to see the inner strength of someone when
they conquer their fears and
abuse is a fearful situation to be sure. Been there myself.
EaglesHand, this is strength, well done!
Thanks for the feedback!
StarSister - yes one should definitely hold the intention of
healing oneself and not harming
anyone else. In my personal experience when I have used this
technique the person or situation
labeled on the box did not have any reaction to my release of
emotion ... couple of times at my ex
(who wouldn't know an honest emotional response if it came up
and hugged him - IMO) that
occurred years ago when we were in the process of divorcing
and a couple of times at the
company I work for .... no individual names on those boxes -
just the corporate bureaucracy ;)
Minna - that Face exercise sounds very powerful. How fortunate
you are to have someone like
Bear around to work with on these issues. I would imagine it
would require a lot of trust in each
other to be able to do this exercise .... with my ex I could
not have done this ... he might have
stayed a stone face during the exercise ... and would have used
every word I said against me at
some point in the future...
Jimmy Thanks so much for the support.... and LOL the stuff with
the ex happened over 20 years
ago as did the therapy for the childhood incident. I posted
these as illustrative examples of a
process. Happy to say I released those intense emotions long
ago. These days I keep the "water
balloon of anger" fairly empty because unstrapping my jaw
has allowed me to become assertive
... and tell folks here/now when there is an issue. That way
the feelings don't get stuffed down so
sludge does not build up as rapidly.
Cinn, as always I value your support and feedback.
EH ~ wonderful article! Thank you! I have a few boxes here I
might put to use. Very interesting
regarding your sharing about your experience as a child getting
radiation treatments. I did, too!
For what the doctor termed "a weak chest" - allergy
related asthma. We're of an age, aren't we?
We got no notice regarding possible thyroid cancer. But I DID
wind up with benign thyroid
tumors in my teens which the doctors then related to those radiation
treatments. And your story
of fear in the x-ray room...what I remember most is laying there
on the table...I don't remember
being strapped down...looking at the little window which the
nun who was the x-ray technician
peered through to make sure I hadn't hopped off the table. Her
not being in the room...staring at
me like that from behind safe walls...made me sure that something
was definitely WRONG with
me. I don't remember being frightened, just incredibly sad.
I'm not sure if it felt an affirmation of
what I had already determined was my lot....I was just a tyke
of maybe 4...or maybe the
beginning of my journey of feeling the outsider because something
was WRONG with me. But I
remember the feeling very well. Heading for the boxes....
I love that piece about 'unstrapping your jaw' and dealing with
anger in the here and now. Not
only have you given us a solution for pent up anger, but you
have also given us the method to
prevent it from building again. Bravo
Swan! I think they had to strap my head down cuz they
had to focus the x-ray machine just on
my ears - at least that is my interpretation based on adult
experiences with x-rays ;) I would
imagine they didn't need quite as precise a focus for chest
problems. And YES that bit with the
adults/ experts walking away and leaving before the x-rays was
a real big piece of my distress!! I
too thought there was something wrong with me ... and it scared
me that they were "afraid" to be
in the same room when the machine was going zap, zap, zap. (Though
now I know they do that
because x-ray techs take so many films each day they need to
avoid over exposure). When I first
heard about this (got the letter) the doctor I went to for a
thyroid check had never heard of any
such uses of radiation! And was reluctant to do any test cuz
I didn't have any symptoms of
thyroid problems or cancer. A few years later though I was having
symptoms ... of underactive
thyroid ... and the endocrinologist I saw did know of these
"experiments".... and said he thought
my thyroid problems were definitely related to the x-ray treatment
as x-rays now are known to
destroy thyroid tissue (one of the treatments for certain kinds
of thyroid problems is to give the
patient a dose of radioactive iodine in order to destroy the
thyroid) .... so now I have to take
thyroid replacement pills - not such a big deal but .... I am
so glad that those tumors you had
Thanks, EH. Yeah, I'm glad they were benign, too. I know about
those radioactive iodine
treatments. "Atomic cocktails" they're called. I went
through one when they first diagnosed
thyroid problems at 16...just remembering this...I must have
had a reaction (though I don't
remember that) because I never had a second treatment. I'm saying
this because later I had an
IV pylogram for a possible kidney problem and almost died on
the x-ray table because of an
allergic reaction to the iodine dye they use intravenously.
THAT I remember! Oh, yes. Funny
they never warned my parents after that first atomic cocktail.
"Experiments" *shiver* My MIL went through radiation
treatments for "female problems." She
was later told that for some reason she would not have any more
children....that her female
organs had "dried up." *shakes head* It was a dangerous
period in medical testing and
treatment in the early fifties.
It's so important that parents explain testing in any area to
children in terms they might
understand. I remember my daughter going through "testing"
for possible reading disabilities
when she was in first grade. The teachers would discuss the
"problem" right in front of her like
she wasn't there. Really p****d me off when she told me! I appreciated
their concern, but it
translated to my daughter that there was definitely something
WRONG with her, too. I spent
most of her youth battling that self-image it had built in her.
It seems like she's just now coming
through it. But she's had her own battle with anger over that
feeling of something WRONG with
her. She went through a period of cutting herself.
She called me on my birthday and told me she bought herself
a new car. An Orange car! LOL I
get the feeling of transformation there. So, things are looking
better. She used to be into blacks
and blood reds. Something changed!
Orange became my color as well! For me, it's like autumn leaves,
my favorite time of the year,
beautiful moons and skies, hope and a new start to life. Emotionally,
I am doing very well after a
few years of a meltdown from years of trauma. I tried everything
I could think of to end my life
and am happy the Spirits intervened. I was told I had a lot
to do as a healer, and what a better
way to have a re-birth as a wounded healer. I walk the Red Road
and learn everything I can
along the way. I am very humbled by it. Physically, my body
is going through a meltdown after
years of physical abuse. Though it's over now, my body began
to feel the pain it went through. I
am remarried to a wonderful man who is full of love and understands
why my body is like it is
right now. In time, it will heal as best as it can.
Because of my past, much happened with my deceased ex-husband.
He died drinking last year.
While I was being treated for trauma, he filed for divorce and
took a little more custody of our
daughter. When he died, his parents along with my oldest daughter
decided to get temporary
custody of my little one. She lives with my oldest and money
is handed to her by my little one's
parents. They are also paying all court cost and pretty much
have an endless supply in the bank.
This has been going on for over a year. For quite some time
I was very angry about it. My oldest
blames me for having a meltdown, I am weak to her. She probably
will not be able to have
children, so she wants mine. The court system doesn't like people
like me and view trauma as an
illness. It took me 9 months to get a lawyer. My other was provided
by the state and did nothing
to help. Many technicalities later, it still goes on, but my
anger doesn't. I am sorry for ignorance;
genetically, my daughter inherited only so much from me. I am
sorry for hatred, his parents
cannot stand it because their son died, so I should not have
a child because they lost the son who
never really was. I am sorry about unfair and unjust lawyers
who will do anything to win, they
suffer from greed. I am sorry but not angry, not anymore. I
cannot allow that infection grow
inside of me. I just want my little one not to have to live
unhappily and full of trauma.
Today was a thinking day for me, it wasn't the first, nor will
it be the last. I spent the day
thinking and listening for an answer. What would be less traumatic
for my daughter, would it be
to continue to live with her sister. Luckily, she inherited
a lot goodness and I instilled morals and
values in her to my best knowledge. She will be 11 and has made
many friends. She was legally
stolen from me. I just want to do the right thing for her. I
love her so much to consider letting her
stay and not make her go through any more tugging. They let
her know about court and they are
trying to make it so she will be on the stand. This is not fair
for her. I still have not found a solid
answer, but I do know this, I am not angry about it. I wrote
this for whatever it meant to me. I
guess I needed to write here and not in a notebook so there
would be a connection to others who
have decided not to be angry about things they have no control
of. For what its worth, I present
this to you.
DoeWalker You are a woman of amazing courage and wisdom. How
very sad that you are being
made to battle the courts and in-laws about where a precious
child will live. And it is also sad
that your daughter and in-laws cannot see how very important
it is for your little one to know all
of her family. Sadder still is the very real possibility that
they will come to regret this decision
later on because once your little one has become a teenager/young
adult I have a hunch she will
seek to find out for herself what the truth is ... no matter
what her grandparents are telling her.
And that could boomerang against them.
Letting go of the anger you were feeling is a positive thing
and will help you think clearly and
make the best possible choices for yourself and for your child.
Thank you for sharing this here ...
and be sure to print a copy ... I think some time in the future
you may want to share these
thoughts with your child so that she can know the long journey
you have been on..... and learn
from your history.
I know dealing with courts and lawyers can be very frustrating
(my ex was an attorney -
alcoholic attorney to boot) and it does often seem like the
system is skewed against anyone who
has sought help outside of themselves. But that is changing
and many courts now a-days are
seeing counseling and mental health treatment as a positive
and not a negative!
Before you make a decision to voluntarily relinquish custody
I would encourage you to talk to
your attorney about what he or she thinks are you realistic
chances of gaining custody back. And
whether or not any alternatives might be viable.. shared custody
with the in-laws, very liberal
visitations, or some other variation.
Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it very
much. I am doing everything I
can not to give up. The state I live in is not as accepting
of PTSD as others and the judge is
totally against women who have had any diagnosis such as mine.
It's pretty sad knowing most
lawyers have no idea what a medical condition means or what
history now stable is. I still have
hope. My new and wonderful husband had a long talk with me tonight.
He wants to adopt my
daughter, the two get along great! Both of us feel our lawyer
is not always listening to us as she
is always on her way somewhere. She is not cheap either. I cannot
get her to understand what
PTSD is and all the junk which goes with it. Because this case
is so unique, I really need
someone who will listen. Maybe it's us as we are both introverted
people and she is a true
extrovert. I really like her but am not sure if she really knows
just how criminal this guy is.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Hi, DoeWalker - the lawyer - fire her ass and get one who can
understand. High price doesn't
mean good lawyer - for what you need - necessarily. You are
paying her to be an advocate. If
she's not doing that because she's too busy, or doesn't get
it, then she's not a good advocate. You
need someone with the skills and understanding to speak for
you (Ad Vocate - speak to, and for).
If she has the skills but not the understanding then she's useless,
no matter how good she or the
community may think she is. Ok - sorry - just got all reactive
and opinionated on you without
knowing the particular circumstances. But I thought I'd just
give you my reactive, emotional
What Minna said!!!! If you have too much invested in this attorney
to be able to fire her at least
corral her for a conference... hogtie her, corner her, insist
that she listen and tell her flat out since
you are paying her you expect her to be your Ad Vocate!!!! And
if she is unable to be that, then
she needs to give you back the money you've paid!!!! She is
your employee and as such must
represent your interests to the very best of her ability....
or else she is out of compliance with
legal ethics. And that is basic contract law - you pay the money
and she provides YOU with
expert legal representation. If one party does not fulfill their
side of the contract, the contract is
null and void. And if she does not understand PTSD (and so many
people do not) then she needs
to educate herself or find expert witnesses to do the teaching
for her in court. And big hugs to
your husband!!! He sounds like a wonderful person.
Amen! That's the dadburn thing. Both doctors and lawyers - and
I AM saying lawyers, rather
than 'attorneys' - forget that they are ~ A SERVICE PROFESSION
~. They just went to college
longer to sell you their particular brand of French fries. Can
we tell, we've touched a nerve? I
worked with many lawyers and a very few attorneys during my
26 years in the Child Support
agency service. If this lady thinks she's an attorney, but is
just a lawyer, then she needs to be set
Lawyers ~ (can have a God complex, and like to think they know
a lot, whether they do or not.)
They believe themselves to be technical specialists who can
'read the law'. No heart, maybe
brains, no wisdom. Attorneys ~ serve the people with their wisdom.
They know what they are
doing because they have the humility to learn and to be attentive
and to be an Ad Vocate, or a
voice, for their clients. Don't even get me started on doctors.
I have known a few good ones, and
it's not a guarantee that they will stay good for the duration
of the situation.
Thanks for your words of wisdom and understanding. No one can
actually figure out how any of
it came to be and how it got this far along, but, at the same
time it's complicated because of
PTSD, so I am told. By reading words by you and after speaking
with Drake the other night, I
have come to this: she will learn about this, or she is off
the case. Also, all we are asking for is
my daughter and Drake wants to adopt her. For some reason, my
lawyer made a statement along
with plenty more which didn't hit us until later, was getting
social services involved. They have
never been involved. The case is my Constitutional Rights to
be a mom and having stability in
the home, I still see a therapist on my own, I don't HAVE to
go by order's or anything, Drake
raised a daughter which is fantastic, and he and my daughter
get along great. As for healing, I am
fine. It's too obvious for her to see, I guess, plus she is
finding out the other guy is a true criminal
who will stop at nothing. Maybe I should go against my grain
and get one of them as well!!! I am
all fired and inspired again now. Thanks!!!!
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