65 - Part 1
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PTSD & Rage
By Jimmy WhiteBear
(Some posts are missing from this thread)
Hallo I am not posting this so I can be Psycho-analyzed by any
one. The reason I am posting this is so
if anyone can identify with it, I would hope it might stir you
to share your healing process. Not
many have ever heard this outside of close friends and a therapist
who I love and cherish for
the help she gave me. I am not looking for sympathy. Sympathy
can be found in the dictionary
somewhere between "Sh** and Syph***". This is strictly
teaching!, lol! I hope?...
For those who don't know what PTSD stands for, it stands for
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder".
During WWI it was called "Shell shock" WWII and Korean
War "Battle fatigue" Vietnam
"PTSD". While the Vietnam war was raging some of the
Nutcrackers here in the US began
looking at trauma in general and discovered, any major trauma
caused PTSD Like symptoms,
such as Natural disasters, rape, molestation, accidents and
any situation that occurred for
someone that was or appeared Life threatening. Trauma can be
Physical, mental and emotional.
Why this and why in the shamanism forum? Because our knowledge
of healing and our
capabilities of self-healing are greater than even we realize...
Finish this part at the end!...
I grew up in a very violent, alcoholic family and to put it
bluntly, getting our ass kicked was
almost an everyday affair. I learned quickly that if you want
results, kick ass to get the point
across! The only time I ever lost a fight growing up was when
I didn't want to fight with the kids.
I would pretend to get knocked out, stay down until they left
then go home. When I wanted to
fight, whoever was on the receiving end got hurt and generally
enough to remember that they
pissed me off.
As the years went on the fighting got less but when it happened
they never seen me coming. I
would be so enraged that the only thing to release it was to
hurt someone. Later the rage started
inward and the drug abuse got worse, the drinking got worse,
the fighting got less because I
began feeling guilty for hurting someone even if they deserved
it! I never knew why I would go
from what I considered absolute calm to a nuclear explosion.
My mouth became the biggest
weapon I carried. I lost a lot because of my mouth! Wife, kids,
home, friends etc...
About ten years ago when the process of separation from my family
began, I was seeing a
therapist for anxiety and depression when and of course, we
were talking about what it was like
to grow up. I was avoiding some of her questions and she finally
pinned me down. When I told
her what it was really like, she leaned forward and said "
Jimmy, do you know you have PTSD
like symptoms? Tell me about the violence!" I was 45-46
then and diagnosed with Post
Traumatic Stress. Being the wise-ass I am I said jokingly, so
I didn't have to go to Nam to get Fup!...
I thought she was going to whack me in the head!... I still
have the rage but it has been
downgraded to anger and anger is something that we can manage.
Anger is something that we learn how to express growing up by
watching how adults manage
anger. When we see they get results by violence we learn quickly
how to get results the same
way. Even though anger, rage can fall into primal emotions categories,
how we express it today
is learned or managed emotions.
I remember a time when I was drinking and using, I got into
Kenpo kung fu for a few years. I
missed a move in a kata while being tested for my Green belt.
I was pissed and went drinking
after. I also thought I was better than I was and picked a fight
with a guy very much bigger than
me. I got my ass kicked!... LOL My thought then, don't drink
and fight, get them before you get
loaded!... still got my ass kicked! I am too old for that kind
of behavior now so when I want to
get even, I get passive aggressive, but that isn't an always
kind of thing today. I normally today
try to work things out when I can and when I can't and I stew
on it, Ill do something to piss
someone off and walk away laughing... Better then what I use
to do. Looking for improvement
not perfection, LOL!
So why have I posted this in the Shamanism/Spirituality forum.
I posted it here because this is
just some of the things we as healers have to work through before
we can help others to heal. We
have to be focused on the healing of ourselves and the things
we have been through and be able
to share some of it with others so they can see there is a way
out of the sh**. That there is a
better way and it doesn't have to be our way of doing it, we
just have to do it.
I want to be remembered as a guy that helped others rather than
a guy that was reckless and cruel
to others. What I did when I was drinking and drugging I am
not proud of, nor do I beat myself
up with it anymore. It was all a learning experience creator
choose for me to prep me for what I
do today. I love studying shamanism, practicing healing techniques,
(Reiki, nawate', massage.) I
have learned how not to be the meanest SOB in the valley but
not be a doormat either.
Being a healer is a way of life for some, a practice for others
and it is all good. The woman that
showed me the healing path for my PTSD continues to teach me
every time I sit with her and B
and C about how much life sucks... It really doesn't, only my
attitude sucks and that can change
from moment to moment. It is a choice, life is a choice, healing
is a necessity!
Aho Bear Aho! Life is a choice! Thank you for sharing
so much of your path. Timing (solstice)
seems appropriate as well.
LOL Crow, Hugs are always welcome, Pssst, bears a teddybear
Thank you Earthwalker, thought about the solstice all day and
then forgot when I got home.
Thanks for the reminder! LY
Jimmy, I can identify with your post. Normally I don't share
a lot of these details with others
publically and am somewhat uncomfortable with doing so now,
but I'm being nudged to, so I
I was diagnosed with PTSD about 10 years ago. Two close family
members had committed
suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning, both of whom I had to
go into the garage to witness and
to identify. A third family member also tried to kill herself
this way, I found her before she was
successful...but if you want to see me freak, put me in a garage
with the smell of exhaust.
Parkades have to be roomy and not bumper to bumper. Lining up
for a ferry crossing and
smelling the exhaust can trigger me. Traffic jams can do that
to me as well. I'm better than I was,
I've learned valuable techniques to deal with it, but it'll
take time to fully release those triggers.
My childhood growing up was difficult as well. There was drug
and alcohol abuse, as well as
physical and sexual abuse. My siblings are both addicts, one
has walked the path of recovery for
a while, one is still struggling. The difference with me was
my choice of abuse. I didn't drink or
do drugs, but when the anger built up I would cut. I did a lot
of things when I was younger that
I'm not proud of. It was like there were two sides to me...one
the good little girl who never
complained and did as she was told, and the other side who was
so very angry all the time. I
picked fights with people, I was your classic road rage driver
and had no issues with stepping out
of my vehicle and going toe to toe with someone for cutting
me off, tail gating etc. I punched
through a lot of walls and doors. I never wanted to hurt anyone,
but the level of frustration would
build so high I had to let it out, and at the time, those doors
and walls were the only way for me,
aside from cutting.
That type of rage is scary, it totally blocks you to all reason,
and it totally blocks pain. I've often
thought the Beserkers of old must have felt like that going
into battle, you just don't care who
and what you hurt at that point. It has a flavor to it that
normal anger doesn't have.
I was blessed to have met my husband when I did. He is my rock,
my solid place to be. His love
and support has healed me in so many ways. I was following a
very different path before I met
him. My choices in men were terrible, I was going out with men
who were abusers, I didn't
realize I deserved better. Lotus was talking about miracles
in another post...well, when I was 18,
and examining my life and my choices, I heard a voice tell me
I didn't have to follow in anyone's
footsteps, I didn't have to repeat the pattern. That I can break
it, and I deserve to. Shortly
thereafter, I met my husband. He was totally not the type of
guy I'd gone out with before, but
we've been together now for 21 years.
The events of my past have shaped me into who I am today. It's
taught me compassion and
empathy for others. I work at being balanced, to not sit in
judgment of others actions but to sit in
acceptance. To not judge, because it could have been me in their
situation. (It's not up to me
anyway.) It's lead me on a quest to learn different healing
arts. It's introduced me to Shamanism
and my Guides. I've met some wonderful teachers and friends
along the way. When Spirit is
doing healing work through me, I "see" the events
that have caused the disharmony in that
person/place/thing. There is only love and compassion while
doing healing work...no judgement,
no blaming, no harshness. What is, is. What will be, will be.
They/we are exactly where we need
to be at this moment in time. We are learning the things we
need to, and experiencing the things
we need to.
Hope my rambling has made sense and has stayed on topic. "Life
is a choice, healing is a
necessity." Aho Jimmy!
Aho Bear!!! We have many wounded healers here. PSTD or
not, wounds come in many forms.
Healers do too.
((Bear))"I want to be remembered as a guy that helped
others" And so you shall Bear.
((Katt)) I honor you both for sharing your experiences
(((Bear))) (((Katt))) Deepest respect for your journeys.
Deepest respect for your
strength and your choices. Deepest Gratitude for sharing.
Salutes to your working thru your challenge and sharing with
us. It is not always an easy thing
do. May this new year coming up bring even more Healing your
I echo Wynsong! I have loved ones who have/had PTSD and have
watched their journeys with
rage. One succumbed to his resultant addictions early in his
life. The others, thank Spirit, have
had great courage in facing their journeys...spiritual alchemy
transforming that rage into
compassion and love, bit by bit, day by day. A never ending
battle for them, though. to all here
who walk a similar path.
Greetings! Thanks (((Bear))) and (((Katt))) I started to tell
my story, but I guess I'm not to that
point yet I do believe that one who has experience life has
valuable healing energy to share
*sitting quietly, sharing and holding space in acknowledgment*
The space here feels pretty sacred to me.
I get some shaky when I am in the presence of real workings.
Taking a deep breath and saying thank you for all who have shared.
I feel deeply that what put many of us on this path is often
Poison is medicine.
It is our jobs, my job to turn this poison into medicine and
that is hard work sometimes.
I watched my Brother (no word) while being held over fire by
The next day I drop to my knees and ask my dad not to kill my
mother with the butcher knife he
has at her throat.
There are so many pieces of me I left behind so I might survive.
But, now, for me, in order to survive, by going forward, I have
to go back.
I retrieved my primary child with the help of a beautiful shaman
woman a year ago.
Now.....I am going even deeper into waters that are indeed scary
to retrieve more pieces of myself.
For me, it is the child within that holds most of my magic.
And, deeply within me is a desire to heal future generations
in my family to come.
It can stop and I am just the person brave enough to go places
that scare me.
I use the lingering rage to fuel my desire to heal.
I already am dropping worn out tattered pieces of cloth that
is passed from generation to generation.
Yesterday I went to the eye doctor and I no longer have high
pressure in my eyes, glaucoma.
It is not mine.
My mother and her mother have it really bad......but me.....I
refuse to accept it and I agree to see,
no matter how difficult.
Doctor told me I have eyes of a young woman (BIG SMILE!)
Anyway....I was drawn into shamanism by 2 women who had great
tragedy in their lives and
turned it into medicine.
I feel I am no victim anymore......but I sure think I had a
little too high expectation of my abilities....LOL!
I thank goodness I have the sense of humor, it gets me through
the rough times.
I do still suffer days.....impending doom is a hard one to knock.
I get gruesome flashes in my mind of horrible things that have
not happened, like my horse stuck
atop a T post, bleeding to death and so my heart races furiously
until I get home and see he or
she is just fine....though I certainly need a nap after that,
because my body responds as if it happened.
Ya ya......we're all here cause we aint all there....lol,
I learned that in AA years ago...it really fit
and made me feel at home.
I am indeed a misfit.
And, I'm almost proud of it too.
well, I've taken up enough space. Thank you so much for this
beautiful talking stick.
It was a pleasure and honor to hold it.
I pass it now to........
OH! and it is true that darkness defines the light. Dont
Take good, good, care you all.
I was once told by a very wise woman, "no one stuck in
the past is going to venture very far into
the future of her/his unique potential.
Over the years I realized how wise her words were. For too long
I became trapped in the past
allowing myself to be controlled by the Mister Hyde of our unresolved
pain and anger until I
decided to make peace with the past so that I could move forward.
I honor each of you who have shared your hearts with us today,
and applaud your journey ... I
can relate to the anger and pain, the grief, and even the shame
for PTSD has touched my life too.
And so I thank each of you for reminding us that all things
are possible if the willingness is there.
There comes a time, when we have to stop talking about what
was and begin living. A time to
accept and forgive, to love and align our spiritual center with
the Great Spirit.
We are so incredibly powerful that we can choose to view our
"victimhood" not as a terrible
injustice, an unforgivable wrong, but as the gift of opportunity
that can lead us to growth,
enlightenment, and a willingness to share hearts of understanding
and compassion with others.
At the end of the day it all comes down to simply making a choice
and summoning the courage
to walk with hope and unconditional love, without blame or judgment.
We have excavated our foundation and re-discovered our authentic
selves ... Aho!
Part of my healing process was first getting Clean and Sober.
Then the ACOA "Adult Children of
Alcoholics" Had to be address, it was at this point I believe
that the PTSD surfaced. I had done a
great job at self-medicating. It wasn't for years after that
i was diagnosed.
Children that grow up in alcoholic homes learn quickly to act
and react in survival mode 24/7.
These behaviors, attitudes and thinking stay with us throughout
our adult life and seldom do we
identify them and begin to change them. It is a long hard process
of taking one behavior at a
time as you identify it and making the changes. They say it
takes 21 days to make a change. I can
tell you that it takes 21 days to identify and begin to change,
a life time to make it stick! Often it
requires help from therapists, counselors, psychologists etc.
LOL, Stay away from nutcrackers,
they are crazy!... So the process was simply identify and change
bad habits that are detrimental
to my well-being. Someone once said, "If nothing changes?,
nothing changes!... once that got
through this thick Irish/Indian skull the healing began.
On a spiritual level back then, I was at war with god. I knew
he didn't like me and i didn't like
him back--- MORE! When I got to AA and seen "But for the
grace of God" and "Let go and let
god" I said "Oh sh**!". I stuck around anyways,
met a guy that became my best friend for 14
years before he dropped his robe. He taught me how to use the
program as a higher power and
opened my mind enough to let it grow into what I have today...
Yes, AA has a great deal to do
with how I came to the shamanic path and thats another
post! another part of the healing...
I use to tell others, "I deal with my ACOA issues in AA,
I don't need ACOA meetings." But i went
anyways, LOL! It helped when I didn't fight it! At the time
there was a lot of woman there that
had been molested and beaten by drunks etc. and only a few guys.
Most seemed to be focused on
their recovery from drugs and alcohol rather than the problem
that got them to abuse chemicals.
I spent a lot of time bouncing from one therapist to the next
until I finally met a beautiful
Mohawk woman that sat there for three or more years, listening
to me B and C about what a
screw up I was. She would try to get me to use more positive
ways of describing myself and I
would "yes" her to death then go back to my room and
feel like (A bird under a pile of horse
sh**, chirpin' away and waiting for the cat to come and eat
'em!) Mind you I actually did feel
better than that but I was alone and that sucked!...
The healing process can be painful but looking at the long range
gratification, obtaining shortterm
gratification to keep ya going day by day, moment by moment.
One of the keys to healing
from anything is staying as close to the present moment as possible.
Keeping it in the N.O.W.
which means "N.o O.ther W.ay". present moment!, don't
look to far ahead!
Healing from Post Traumatic Stress is a lot like healing from
drugs, alcohol etc. With what
addicts and alkies go through, there is a lot of PTSD like symptoms
and a lot clear up when they
get into sobriety. What I mean by that is a lot of the situations
an addict/alkie get into including
overdoses, and the rest of the street stuff actually do scare
the hell out of them and the only way
to cope is to do more drugs, drink more booze!... When they
get sober and begin to look at some
of the stuff they went through, the question and statement is
" I made it through that?" Always
having a sense of gratitude for surviving is a big help and
a big motivator. Its just helping them
to find that gratefulness...
I think I will stop here for now, next post will be on the spiritual
aspects of healing from trauma.
Brave, brave, stories, all. I honor you.
I grew up with nice parents. Nobody hurt me, except for a spanking
or eight. I was the oldest - I
got the most. The only thing was my mother was really emotional
and my father was distant. So I
tried to learn to be the peacekeeper and keep things calm. Mom
- bless her got to have all the
emotions in the house.
Now, I feel like I'm cool with Mother and Daddy. They did the
very, very, best they knew how.
And they were such good people. And I helped see them Home,
and I love them.
So, anyway, in my second marriage I married a man who got to
have all the emotions in the
house. I was trained for it.
He was an emotional bully to me and my kids. If I tried to respond
to him it would only lengthen
the tirade for ummm, at least 20 to 45 minutes per response.
He never hit me, but for some reason, I told him when we were
married that if he ever did, I'd
just wait till he was asleep and smack him in the face with
a two by four. Because he was lots
bigger than me.
So, he was mean to the kids and mean to me. And when I wouldn't
let it affect me, then he'd take
it out on the kids. And I was a wussy, and trained in obedience
and didn't know that I could
change things. He abused me in other ways that I don't want
to talk about.
Is there such a thing as a 'rage-aholic'? If there is, maybe
he was one. And maybe he was a PTSD
candidate too. No one outside our home could imagine the ways
he was at home. He was
charming out there. At home, he wasn't.
Later, after therapy, I remember seeing all 6'2" of him
standing over me, face red, eyes bulging,
veins bulging, screaming at me, foam at the corners of his mouth,
thinking, "There's nothing I
have done to cause this. This is a natural phenomena, like Mt.
Vesuvius. I didn't do this."
I used to pray for God to help me. But God was waiting and helping
me get the strength to help
myself first. When I scared myself because I wanted to drive
off an overpass, I decided things
needed to change. I had children. I couldn't leave.
I'm in the club - AA and therapy, therapy, therapy.
After he left, I didn't realize it, but we had an anger workshop
at our house. At first it was
peaceful with him gone. But then, everybody was mad at everybody.
I later figured out that we
were just expressing the anger at those ten years, during which
time my ex was the only one who
got to be angry. My son was the one who punched holes in the
walls, but he did it at work. And
being the projectionist in a movie theater, he had plenty of
alone time, apparently and nobody
seemed to mind the holes in the projection room wall.
That's the damn thing. I can work on myself, but I can't fix
it for my kids. They are great people
I also took a saw to our bed. Now it had been my bed when I
lived at home, and before this
marriage it was a good haven. But after he left, I took the
saw and sawed up the head and
footboards. No - I don't always settle emotional issues with
a saw. Then we got the junk man to
haul off all this stuff that had been in our house that reminded
us of him.
Talking, crying, yelling, searching, sawing, AA, art, meditation
and therapy have all been part of
my healing process. I'm a lot better now.
Actually this year, I felt so sad for him. I realized that so
much of his life had been about loss. He
lost his first wife and her family that he loved so dearly in
a family scandal that just tore them up.
He lost me, and the kids - he had been so proud of his 'instant
family', but couldn't do the inner
work then to keep it from going toxic. Neither could I at the
time. And this fall, he lost his wife
to cancer. I think he may have been really happy with her. And
I was happy for him. I think
when I saw this ongoing story of loss I felt so bad for him,
that I may have forgiven him as
completely as I know how. It was just a whole different way
to think about him and I was so sad
for him losing the wife he could finally be happy with.
Me, well, you know me. And I met my dear sweetheart Bear in
1988, and we had our first date in
1989, and we married in 1992. And he's the best.
This isn't as dramatic as some of your stories, but I'm kinda
glad. I don't think I could have
handled what you guys did. And I'm so proud of you. And I'm
happy to be here.
Jimmy et al,
As I read your posts the following words from a poster I was
given come to mind.
Believe and Succeed Courage does not always roar. It is
the quiet voice at the end of the day
saying I will try again tomorrow.
It is in that choice today that the past is released, change
is embraced, and tomorrow is created.
Walk in Courage and Peace
I'd like to offer up a tool I am using now, a book: Healing
the Past and Mending the Future
With Soul Retrieval by Alberto Villoldo.
I am on page 56 and certainly am feeling the effects of the
Being the holiday season I've got a lot of fresh surfacing going
too, I almost feel like I'm being exorcised, kinda raw and vulnerable.
I hope healing finds all of you here in new places of hope and
joy, even a little magic!
Like I said before, When I got clean and sober I was spiritually
bankrupt and hated god as much
as he hated me. All I had was the religion I grew up with and
I wanted nothing to do with it.
because people in the program helped me to understand that i
could find a higher power of my
own and develop a faith that worked for me. I was still an angry
SOB but in time I started
calming down and catching myself smiling on occasion.
When I was about 7 years sober, I went through an emotional
burn out because I had been
working long hours, some nights not getting home, sleeping at
work. When I fired a counselor
who was an idiot wanted to diagnose me rather than treat the
emotional problem going on. I got
away from AA because there were a lot of problems with the people
so I thought, I blamed them
for my failings. I went to treatment for what was to be crisis
intervention, didn't like my
counselor, told him where to get off and left AMA. I got home
and grabbed my fly rod, My wife
wasn't home from work, the kids where at school and went down
the river. The river seemed to
be the only place I had peace. A group of us had been doing
some work on the river, cleaning it
up, helping Fish and Wildlife stock it, I had connected with
the river spirit and didn't know it.
While in treatment, all I could think about was the river and
the trouble I got in, it was as if the
river was calling me so I left and went to her, LOL!
I got to the river, put my waders on and watched this trout
rise so I went in and began working
him. After about 20-30 minutes, out of the corner of my eye
I could see something floating and
when I looked it was a beaver just floating in the current watching
me. He drifted across my line
and sat up on the bank about 30 feet away and watched me watching
him. I eased in my line and
cradled my rod and just stood there watching this guy. Then
something happened! I heard,
"Okay, so you lost your spirit, your faith, your heart,
start over and follow your heritage!" Have
to say I about messed myself and left. It was my first conscious
contact with a 4 legged.
The spiritual side of this began growing. I have always loved
and tried to respect nature. I
always found the peace there that I couldn't have anywhere else.
I spent hours and hours, day
after day on the river, in the woods because it was the only
place I felt comfortable and
connected. I had been volunteering with fish and wildlife for
2-4 years and stocking the river,
cleaning it up, getting the trash, washing machines, tires etc.
out of the water made me feel
whole again. within hours after leaving the water or woods,
I felt like a fifth wheel. Just hanging
in limbo. So I look back and the PTSD actually was just as active
then, I just wasn't aware of
anything more than hurting. I went back to counseling and couldn't
find anyone I felt
comfortable with until I found Diane, the Mohawk woman I mentioned
earlier. Creator and the
spirits certainly where guiding this, pushing me toward help
so I could begin healing beyond the
Booze and the dope. I couldn't tell my wife or friends how I
was feeling away from the river so I
just pretended all is good and life--- Bites!
The healing came in lots of ways and still at times, a new level
of healing presents itself. I
learned the difference between anger and rage and began working
at expressing anger
differently. I had to stop and ask myself why I was angry? What
could I do about it? How could I
do it differently and get more positive results? What are the
consequences if I let it escalate to
rage? It basically was rationalizing why I was feeling what
I was feeling.
The lodge that I built when I was with that nutcase, I went
in to meditate in there one time. I felt
a call to go sit in it. I hadn't opened the lodge, it sat dormant
through the winter and when I went
in, my father came in. I heard him ask me what I was doing to
help the family, I heard him judge
me and I laid into him. He and I argued and I finally told him,
"to go, let me live my own life".
The only other time he has come to me was when I was doing some
genealogy research and
found my great, great grandfather. Then he, my grandfather,
great grandfather and
GGGrandfather where all there in the room when it happened.
Haven't heard from him since.
There was much peace with that after and I told Diane about
it, in the meantime good ol' nancy,
the mental case was doing her thing with everyone, setting me
up with the circle. The rage came
back. But it was different, Creator was there, Stalking Wolf
was there, Woody was there. The
support from the spirits was unbelievable. Diane even seen the
I have never disliked someone as much as I dislike the woman
that caused all the problems, but
ya know, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have had the chance
to tell the ol' man off and truly
regain all my power. There was one other occasion when he was
still alive, I had just got out of
the navy in 71'. And I was so angry and high, I knock him across
the room and took back the
physical power. The time in the lodge, I took back the mental
and spiritual power! AHO!!!!!... If
he wants to talk now, he'll let me know. If I want to talk to
him, I will call him in!... The healing, I
forgave him, I accepted that this has been down to me. I stopped
blaming myself. I regained selfesteem,
self-worth and self- respect. There will always be more to work
on but it will happen in
Although all this has happened to me and then some, I feel comfortable
with who I am, what I
am, where I am going and why. No one can tell me I am wrong,
that is for me to decide. I accept
that I have been wounded and the scars that I carry are painful
at times but, I have accepted
those scars and the pain is no more greater than I allow them
to be. I am developing into the
Why this and why in the shamanism forum? Because our knowledge
of healing and our
capabilities of self-healing are greater than even we realize...
Finish this part at the end!...
Then why not the Healing Forum?
The only time I ever lost a fight growing up was when
I didn't want to fight with the kids. I
would pretend to get knocked out, stay down until they left
then go home.
I admire that tactic, Jimmy WhiteBear!
I was avoiding some of her questions and she finally pinned
Don't you *hate* it when that happens? When someone asks a question
you don't feel
comfortable giving a truthful answer to so you try to side-step
it but the issue the question
presents keeps coming back...? Gotta face it to deal with it
I still have the rage but it has been downgraded to anger
and anger is something that we can
Jimmy WhiteBear, I don't know about you, but rage downgraded
to anger that can be managed
might still not make me a "happy camper" I'd have
to grab my flashlight and kick open the
Anger is something that we learn how to express growing
up by watching how adults manage
anger. When we see they get results by violence we learn quickly
how to get results the same
When "management" is learned in that way, I imagine
it takes lots of effort to learn to manage
anger and rage in a more productive way to your own advantage,
I missed a move in a kata while being tested for my Green
belt. I was pissed and went drinking
You didn't get your Green Belt because you missed a move in
a Kata??? A move in a Kata??? A
*dance*???? Geez Jimmy WhiteBear, I prolly might have sucked
on a beer after that too!
I also thought I was better than I was and picked a fight
with a guy very much bigger than me. I
got my ass kicked!... LOL
So Why have I posted
this in the Shamanism/spirituality forum.
Because you didn't want to post it in the healing forum?
I want to be remembered as a guy that helped others rather
than a guy that was reckless and
cruel to others.
And I believe you *will* be, by those you helped along your
journey through this thing called
It was all a learning experience creator choose for me
to prep me for what I do today.
~ Help others
...about how much life sucks... It really doesn't, only
my attitude sucks and that can change from
moment to moment. It is a choice, life is a choice, healing
is a necessity!
Are you sure about that? Ask me and I'll tell you that is the
Jimmy WhiteBear, I understand totally what you say about the
She called me too.
I am not the same either because of her.
At a sunset one evening at the river, the sunset spoke to me.
I watched the river and understood why storms needed to happen,
or strong movement in the
river.....it moves yukky stuff!
I found myself in the river.
I went there all the time, every free minute.
When a tragedy happened, it was to the river I ran....it was
an alive spirit to me and I felt closer
to the river than to anything else ever.
Beavers are wonderful to watch, neat experience you had with
I did some cleaning up too at the river.
Did you know that a tire that has been in the rivers soil for
a long time is really hard to pull out?
Did you catch the trout?
I am an avid fisher too.
Though just a rod and reel. But, I am smooth with them.
I've seen so many people give a big hard yank, I just dont
Well, I also took my physical power back too at one time with
my mother.....she was the crazy
one. I'm glad though I didnt have to strike her, just
the look in my eye made her coward down. I
watched her shrink right before my eyes.
I met my mother in a dream once, she is still living, but, we
walked to each other and bowed to
one another with a great deal of respect.
THAT was interesting....my greatest enemy, my greatest teacher.
It seems it has been the case.
As Bear In Mind has said, I am kicking the basement door open.....I
am healed to a great, great,
degree, but........I feel strong that there is still work to
In all physical aspects and I guess too emotional to a large
degree, I am healed, but
My wounds are really deep.
And it's in the really deep that I am headed.
As a matter of fact...when I had my flash light out yesterday
I went to a tragedy that happened to
His wounds affect me.
And my wounds will affect my Grandchildren.
This is my belief.
This brings me to a question I have for the SL....I will post.
I have a question about the underworld.
You take good, good, care Bear and I do enjoy reading you posts
about this, especially at this
TY Karen for opening up and sharing. I have to believe that
what gets us here is tragedy and
what gifts come with it to replace the losses can only come
through Creator. I spent many years
wanting to be just like the Ol' man and when I achieved it,
it wasn't where I wanted to be. Once
realized the path opened and here I am. In many ways I still
am just like him but the difference
today is I am changing the behaviors. I hope to break the cycle
one day and move into the place
of acceptance. That probably won't happen until I am ready to
drop my robe. I am not ready,
there is much more to do before I cross. If time comes before
I am ready?, Then there is always
the next time!...I don't know for certain if we really do pick
or paths before we are born like it
has been suggested. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But what
I do wish is that those that have
been through tragedy, trauma find their way through the darkness.
If I can help, if I can show
them how to get to the light. If I can help them to become the
"Wounded Healer" or at least point
them in that direction, I am here!...
Life sucks! Does it?
A lesson I have had to learn over and over is a slight variation
of this theme; therein my
question. Over and over I have been led to understand that the
choice of our expectations creates
the environment in which I can say Life is not fair
Life has cheated me? As I sit here
thinking about those words I ask myself how many times the voice
within me has required that I
question my expectation(s). The questioning was always along
the lines of Who ever said life
would be fair? Who ever said life would be just?
Who ever said life would be kind ?You
have choice, you can hide from the change to your expectations
or you can do something. So,
what are you going to do about it?
Thinking back over a long journey for the most part I have accepted
change and the challenges
to my expectations albeit fighting it most of the way. The joy
felt in surviving the changes or
challenges to my expectations in my journey to accepting all
as one is worth the pain and I have
always found proportional to it. So to me I have learned to
survive by saying in acceptance oh
no here we go again and live in the now enjoying both
the spontaneity of surfacing problem
while savoring the outcomes. I have had to learn and its
been a difficult lesson that I cannot
control everything or even anything in order to meet my expectations.
But have also been given
the understanding that if I could life would have been very
boring. Therein, I choose to live with
the unexpected, the imperfection, the unjust and choose instead
to say Life is a challenge; a
challenge to our expectations.
I do remember the words of Jesus and others forgive them
father for they know not what they
do as I approach life. I try to face its worse days with
courage, saying I will try again. I face
the best days in awe of its beauty. For me Christmas has meaning
outside of the traditional story.
It symbolically represents the birth of a new way; a new way
of seeing and feeling within each of
us and based on what we are experiencing at the time. It is
a moment in time (a ceremony) made
each year to remind us of that which we have inside. Like the
medicine wheel it speaks of new
ways of seeing (the birth of a new idea), the passion of challenge
(finding a way through great
difficulties and expectations), the understanding (understanding
the benefit of that change in life)
and sharing (sharing love and the gifts we have been given with
the world to see). Christmas is a
time of reflections (looking back to the ancient ones and through
our respective heritages) and
looking forward to the world which we can bring into existence
if we so choose. So we stand
centered in our question what am I going to do.
Personally I choose to look at Life as a
challenge but a wonderful journey that will take us to the depths
of despair and the heights of
love. What do each of you choose?
I thank each of you for sharing your paths. Enjoy the season
of life and celebrate its love and
understanding in the traditions you choose. As I look up at
the night (morning sky) I know the
traditions are as unique as each of us are but we are all equally
part of the Oneness we share.
May the beauty of nature bring you peace.
Sister Bear, LOL Careful about kicking doors open, you never
know whats on the other side.
Deal with one thing at a time! One day at a time!
Thank you EW for sharing!
There you go with the caution! (lol)
I have a new thread over in healing about this very thing.
I feel a bit frustrated about the warnings.
Maybe I am asking myself why I am going?
I guess because there is still a whole lot of pain. I am not
in denial about that.
I have cried so hard that I met a bunch of Indian women who
have had their children taken away
(in Spirit).....I have been accepted into their circle.
And the suffering is still really there in concerns to my family.
My horse and I stand gentle together as we watch two deer jump
the fence on their way to graze
for the evening.
I am gentle in this approach but do feel the challenge.
I have a desire always to go forward.
A new level I feel is waiting.
It feels to me like "the stars are the limit".
Know what I mean?
I know what you mean! Caution is good, forward momentum cautiously
is better! Have a good
Holiday! Talk soon.
When I first got clean and sober I use to hear the old timers
talk about how Sobriety was a gift.
Always had a problem with that because a gift to me means "no
strings attached." With Sobriety,
there are strings, there are many things I have to do in order
to obtain and maintain sobriety. So,
As I thought about it I began to realize that it wasn't sobriety
that was the gift, it was the
Desperation that was. I don't think it is any different with
our path to finding Spirit.
I think with feeling victimized, frustrated, out of control,
the rage is the only thing that allows us
the illusion of having some sort of control in our lives. When
someone extends a hand to help,
we question the motives of that person but if we finally come
to some acceptance that there truly
is help we move in very, very, cautiously. Trust is not one
of the Strong points in our make-up at
this point. we survived this long taking care of ourselves,
we can survive indefinitely. It is only
by giving someone an ounce of trust and making them earn every
ounce after that we learn to
trust. Acceptance of the trauma and trusting that help is genuine
is when we begin to move away
from the victim roll... We can get stuck at anyplace, anytime
but the willingness to move forward
is what gets us un-stuck.... Willingness is the key!... We get
tired of feeling like a victim, we get
tired of hurting. Some never move out of the victim roll and
others, need to leave it behind. Truth
is ,we all need to leave it behind but fear of change prevents
that. Some are so fearful of change
that they would rather stay stuck then step into the unfamiliar
and risk feeling better!...
The path to spirit for me is long and sometimes painstaking.
But I had to decide that I was no
longer going to be a victim of abuse, I was going to be a survivor
of it and learn to grow in a way
that would benefit me. Had I decided to stay stuck, I would
have died a long time ago... I accept
that I needlessly got my ass kicked by someone that I loved.
I, although it wasn't right,
understood that he was very sick and had no help to make it
better. He spent many years
tormented by what happened to him during the Burma campaign
in WWII. Back then, the
generation was taught to deal with their pain on their own and
not be weak by asking for help.
Today is different. It is not seen so much as a weakness to
ask for help, it is more a sign of
strength to identify something and change it. ask for help when
it is needed. Acceptance,
willingness and perseverance is what heals us from this mire
of sh**. Learning new coping
skills, new attitudes and trust. Allowing ourselves the vulnerability.
Taking a risk and if we are
hurt from that risk, not closing ourselves off from the help
that we find with spirit, and others to
regain our wholeness.
No one should ever have to go through what some of us have gone
through. But, those that do
will hopefully find their way back to the light by getting the
help from those like us who have
gone before and found SPIRIT!!!... After all, we have found
the way to heal, we know the path
that must be taken and how far we have to walk. We can walk
with them to make it easier for
Last but not least, When I am working with a client that has
a problem with the GOD concept in
AA I tell them I can prove that there is a Higher power and
it can work in their life and they can
see it working. The idea in this is to help change the concept
of what a higher power is so that
when they open themselves to Creator, they can see it working.
I ask a client to stand up and pick up a heavy table or chair
then set it down. I then walk over and
grab hold the other side and tell them to lift. We both lift
it. I ask," Which way was easier, doing
it alone or together?" Of course they will say "together!".
Then I will tell them " In finding a
Higher Power we are looking for something that helps! What you
find harder doing alone can be
made easier if the two of us do it together!"...
Have a great holiday and I hope your New Year brings forth strength,
compassion, empathy and
all those other things that help our spirits to grow....
PS, A Friend sent this to me who is also in recovery
"One of life's paradoxes is that in order to change an
unwanted situation, we must first accept it
the way it is. If you wish to move forward in your life, first
make peace with what you are
Trust and victimization.
You are right about the trust thing, as a matter of fact, is
it not true that the only thing that wont
lie to us is our death?
I have given this a lot of thought......
Even I lie to myself.
Everyone else will too.
When I thought I am the only one in the world with "true"
intentions, I came off that pedestal
sooooooooooo hard that I came to that conclusion and also came
to have a great sense of
It also is because of the trust issue that when one teacher
is done with me I am oh so heartbroken
for a quite a long time. I walk around kicking cans for a few
weeks, or months, gee, maybe a
It takes me a while to get over this before I can accept another
Oh, bless my next teacher! LOL!
By the way, my Dad was a WWII vet also, though he was a very
kind gentle man, he just stayed
drunk, bless his heart!
There are real and true victims and nothing wrong with acknowledging
But, to play it like a card is quite another thing.
One of my past teachers, she was victimized by evil men. She
was raped and then her eyes poked
out with a compass needle so she couldnt ID them.
She has been blind ever since.
Those men sick? Evil?
It ends up not mattering really, though, I feel it is easier
to swallow "sick" rather than "evil".
It is easier to understand "sick" than to swallow
there is really, really, real evil out there.
This is something I had to learn to swallow.
I wanted so badly to sit with others who were hurt by sick people.
Sick yes, but evil too.
Someone who is there intent to kill you or better yet have you
kill yourself...that is truly a hard
pill to swallow.
I suppose the trick for me is to work hard to turn every evil
thing against me into a strength.
I am glad one of my teachers had this situation herself.
A very bad medicine person, turned their skills into evil and
then targeted me.
And as if I didnt have enough to do!
Though, I am as strong as I am vulnerable.
Trust me, I know this sounds a little "out there"....makes
me feel a little out there too at times.....
though all I need to do is accept my truth and then find ways
to grow in spirit despite it.
OH MY GAWD!!!!!
My hubby just came knocking on the door, was letting the horses
out for the day and I opened the
door and he stood there with a hawk wing in his hands!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he went to let the horses out and Sinbad wouldnt
leave and so he went to see what he
was doing, and he was looking at this wing and picked it up
and then Sinbad went on out.
You should SEE this!
It is a whole huge wing intact!
What a GIFT.......
It is the right wing.
It is about a little over a foot long and well, it is beautiful!
I have to go now and give thanks.......What a beautiful gift!
A Christmas miracle!
The messenger has spoken eh?...Be safe, Be well
Trauma comes in many different forms, Even living in a war zone
where one may live in
constant fear, or coming across, dead, mutilated bodies, etc.
Ptsd isn't limited to physical trauma,
The psychological trauma is caused by the minds inability to
accept what is happening in the
physical world around them. In all actuality, thats what
PTSD is, psychological trauma!...
Confronted or re-visiting the trauma is the first step in taking
back your power. Often, when
things happen in our childhood, The innocence of childhood is
lost. We can never regain that
innocence but we can learn how to help that child within. Healing
the child within can and I like
to say usually starts (for me) learning how to play again. When
was the last time you played in a
Puddle? or imagined yourself as an explorer or whatever. It
also means grieving for that lost
child-hood. accepting the lost ! Regaining the Wonderment of
life on a daily basis.
Youre doing well Michelle, keep moving it forward
My courageous and very much loved Friend. You are deep and good
beautiful. I honor you in my heart and spirit. And I am so blessed
to witness you as you honor
yourself and your struggles and your stories. I honor that friend
and her words to you also. I
keep seeing a little chick breaking open and emerging from an
egg. Except she's all fluffy
Never, ever, give up; no matter what. The sun always comes out
after a storm; its
only the landscape that has changed. Change is reflective of
new beginnings from a new
perspective; that's exciting. It doesn't always feel like you
can succeed as you work through the
storm but it really, at least for me, takes only a little action
to begin to see the light. When I am
frustrated and in limbo still trying to figure out the next
step or talking to spirit I garden. Pulling
out weeds is a wonderful way to get some positive results for
anger and you end up exhausted; at
times this is a very positive thing (except for the weeds).
Just wanted to give you a big hug.
You know, emoticons - what a robot word...but they say things
that my words don't know how to
say. When there is more in my heart than I have words for ~
when there is just too much without
sending my heart on a plate, then I can pick an emoticon. When
what you say touches me in too
many places that reflect in my life right now, I can pick an
emoticon. When maybe I think I am
supposed to know how to say something, even though maybe other
people think I know how to
say this - but I don't really, because there's just too much,
- I can pick an emoticon.
Some thoughts as I read your post. My mother had moved around
a lot as a child and
when she and Dad bought their small home in a suburb of Albany
NY it was home it became her
roots. When Dad died she had to make a decision. She could leave
her roots and move in with
me or stay alone. She moved with me and subsequently move from
NY to Penn to VT. Just
before her death, she thank me for showing her more of the world
than she would have ever seen
if she had stayed. But I had to thank a long-time friend of
hers that helped her make the
adjustment. Mom had asked this friend how she had adjusted to
moving and her answer was so
simple Home is where you hang your hat. She had
made a hard choice to leave that which she
loved and was so familiar to her and we were shown that there
is considerable beauty in all
places. The Spirit of the lands touches each of us in places
we choose to be. One doesnt forget
the power of places we have been, we are only are gifted others
to see. You and Crabby have
made a wonderful choice to be together in a place not of your
childhood but I suspect in a place
where the Spirit of the land touches you. Therein, I question
if the anger/ depression etc. isnt
based on the fact that you cannot chose to go back and you didnt
choose to leave?
To me a larger question might be how to forgive when something
is forced upon you. I cannot
relate to war or childhood trauma and quite frankly I am glad
I grew up in a supportive
environment (I may not have survived if I didnt have that
upbringing). My adult path has led me
on a journey first dealing with alcoholism, then with my youngest
child being born with DS,
followed by epilepsy, followed by leukemia and its relapse
twice, followed by a BMT, followed
by my fathers death and my mother moving in with me, followed
by my daughter problems with
drugs, followed by nearly having to go through bankruptcy because
of an business venture with
my brother, followed by cataract surgery on my son, followed
by my son getting diabetes,
followed by the death of my mother, and finally followed by
the ongoing alcoholism of my
daughter being overcome. I therein do understand the pain, anger
and frustration of expectations
that must change. I do understand the days when I want to pull
a pillow over my head and just
make the pain go away but the question arise as well why
not me. Just because my expectation
was that I would get a good education and job marry and raise
perfect children and a nice home.
It is easy in hind sight today to see the why me
and where I was being guided at the time when
walking through these storms of changes to expectations; it
was difficult. Yet, I found each
challenge if I embraced it as opposed to fighting it, taught
me more and more about the fact that
while I wasnt in control of situations I could choose
how I reacted to them. I could choose anger
and stay tied to the problem or I could choose forgiveness and
move onto a solution. This brings
me to the topic or question of this post, forgiveness.
How do we forgive when something hurts
us to the very core of our being?
For me forgiveness comes basically from Dancing the Wheel from
within each sacred direction
with the first direction being the emotional response to the
problems in the South etc. and the
final, dancing the medicine wheel from center. I think it is
when we finally get to center and
dance the seven directions from the Center or East (the overview
position) that forgiveness is
obtained. Without going through a very lengthy discussion here,
my basic way of finding and
choosing forgiveness is to dissociate the problem from myself.
I step outside of myself and view
the problem from a perspective where I look at myself or needs
as only one part of the problem. I
try to see all of the individual perspectives and needs of all
of the people involved in the issue.
From that perspective I come to an understanding that everyone
is making their own choices
based on their own perspectives and needs. From this perspective,
one can see many of the biases
including ones own and therein let go of the debilitating
focus of anger and replace it with a
choice of action. In other words, one can choose to remain angry
or can choose to make change.
It is a choice and once we take responsibility for that choice,
we are no longer a victim.
Once I choose action, forgiveness of others for their honest
choice simply happens. In other
words, you are judging an action at that time, no longer judging
a person. An action or law etc is
something man made, it can be fought and changed. I therefore
can choose to go in the direction
I feel is right for me and make change. As an example, the most
common issue from the above is
divorce. It was a trying time and my husband was very sick with
the active disease of
alcoholism. Physical abuse had begun and I simply walked away
with my two children and
began a new life. It took two years of anger and fear to get
through this period of time but I
choose divorce without the strings of money tied to it. People
ask me why? Why no child support
etc.? My answer is and was I do not want to live my life angry
and going to court endlessly for
support? That was my choice and my personal feelings, and is
probably not what the law
suggests as fair but to me if something isnt freely given
it is not acceptable. That is my choice.
My choice can be debated but that is not what this discussion
is about. What I am suggesting is
that for me ,forgiveness is obtained by dissociation and letting
the anger/frustration go, through a
choice. In a case, where I have the authority to make the decision,
I do through responsible
choice and will fight for the right to make decisions appropriate
for me, as I did for the BMT for
my son. But neither do I live in anger at anothers decision
( most physicians in the country
disagreed with my choice). In this case, I had the authority
to make the decision and pushed for
that right. Where I dont have the authority to make a
decision I express an opinion and
respectfully disagree with the position that is often chosen
but again let go of the anger
associated with the issue. We cannot control another only make
choice for ourselves and take
personal action to evoke change and then must let go of the
outcome. We must accept the reality
that our original expectation is no longer a viable option.
Albeit, we can choose to live as the
victim. However, when we see and understand that victimhood
is a choice, then the forgiveness
process steps in. Personally, I think PDST at times is a very
protective gift and a necessary
process where the self is protected. It allows the person a
mechanism of survival and should be
appreciated for that which it has given us. Yet as Bear has
said, one must heal at the appropriate
Personally, I think it ill advised to judge oneself for PDST
instead recognizing it as an important
mechanism that helped one survive. Forgiveness of self for ones
own rage is just as important as
is forgiveness of others. I think it is obtained by recognizing
that all you can ever do is make the
best decision you can based on the what you have been given
in the physical or spiritual at
anyone point of time. To me the path to healing is by first
by forgiveness of self for our own
vulnerabilities. I think holding on to the bad choices we have
made is still a choice of
victimhood. One must forgive oneself. This is followed by forgiveness
of others since we can
recognize (once we have forgiven ourselves) that they too are
reacting based on their own
perspectives. Their person is good and forgiven albeit the act
can be judged as not appropriate.
Finally. I think healing occurs when indecision is remove through
action; when you see or feel
something is wrong and take responsible action to make change.
We cannot change the world
although the power of one is greater than we think. I look at
leaders such as the Dali Lama, the
elders of the First People, Mother Theresa etc., etc. and their
ability to forgive others, while
walking their own paths despite all that has happened, and still
make change worldwide. But
even when we cannot change the world as these leaders have,
we can change our self and our
own perspective. By changing our expectation and appreciating
the journey that we have been on
to find this new perspective or truth we are given a glimpse
into the world of creation. Embrace
that which is given on the journey and you get passed the victim
status and find new ways of
seeing and feeling. Personally, I think it a journey worth taking.
I love walking this path we have
on Earth. It isnt easy but never give up there is always
a light guiding our way.
SL, I suspect there are as many ways to forgiveness as there
are perspectives. How do each of
you find your way to forgiveness? If forgiveness is taking this
off topic another thread could be
started, I think there is a connection. Bear, what is your preference?
For some reason I was drawn here today. For some reason I was
drawn to look at this thread
but did not feel that it was my place to read the posts. Maybe
I will another day. I worked,
briefly, at a residential program and was dealing with children
and teens with PTSD. I have
started reading a great book on the topic. This is not the first
time I have mentioned it to people
who suffer or know someone who suffers from PTSD. The book is
called INVISIBLE HEROS:
SURVIVORS OF TRAUMA AND HOW THEY HEAL. The author is BELLERUTH
I got it through ONE SPIRIT book club. Their web is: www.onespirit.com.
I hope it helps.
Healing from any traumatic event in our lives takes time. Once
someone has made a decision to
"get well", the process of confronting at surface
levels feel like some indepth healing. In ways it
is but the road is a long, painstaking process. Does and is
healing complete? I don't think so
because there is always deeper levels to look at. Some will
and some won't go that far because
feeling a little better is better than not healing at all. But
again, Some are afraid of the changes
they will go through and the thing about change is, when we
are making those changes, we don't
know what the outcome brings. A Scary process indeed!
Going through the healing process means small moves ahead a
little at A TIME.
I have bought many books on PTSD and I think they are packed
away right now, I will have to
look for them and will post them. I remember one tittle "I
can't Get Over It" I don't remember the
author off hand, but I will find it.
Taking ownership for how we feel is the beginning of change.
No one can make us feel anything
without our allowing them to do that! Take responsibility for
how we feel and what we think and
do is the beginning.
Bear and all, I have often wondered if those who are sensitive
to the energies of the universe
attract abuse or if the abuse causes the sensitivity. Many of
my friends who are sensitive to the
energies have been abused. Mostly by parents, but sometimes
others. My other thought is that the
Rage or intensity of the experiences whether from war or from
violence just may be too intense
to stay grounded in a single time. It is a fine line we walk
between sanity and insanity, but that is
based on the rules defined today. What if all times exist simultaneously?
What if we can only
handle one time line?
WBW, I wish I had an answer for that but I don't. It does appear
that many who have gone
through some sort of abuse or long term emotional upheaval are
more sensitive to the energies
then others. I can't say all have come to this place this way
but it does appear most. I think in part
at least, those who have gone through abuse, war and emotional
upheaval become more sensitive
out of Survival. After-all, When we have to attune ourselves
to survival, we need to know ahead
of time what kind of mood someone is in, how to defend ourselves
etc., so we do become more
sensitive. For some, they fall away to the dark side and for
others, they try to work toward the
light and heal. Some, just continue to survive one more day.
I think in all actuality, We all go
through this. Some stay stuck and others move on... Hope that
I have often wondered if those who are sensitive to the
energies of the universe attract abuse or
if the abuse causes the sensitivity.
Sonja, I have wondered this many times and was just again picking
it apart this morning. Did the
abuse and traumas open me up, or was I a magnet?
I never bothered anyone, I kept things to myself, polite and
always willing to help out. At that
time I hadn't withdrawn or took any flak lying down. Yet, I
was constantly a source of negative
entertainment starting at a very young age. It wasn't until
different forms of abuse had happened
so many times that I finally withdrew and blamed myself. I mean
after all, how can one person
out of a group of many other kids and friends, be the one that
was constantly harassed?? It must
be something I had done. Or who I was....or maybe it was my
destiny was what I came to later as
a conclusion when no matter what I did or how I tried, it just
wouldn't stop. Maybe I am just a
Now I have come a very long way from that state of mind and
thinking. But, there is still that
question of when it all began, why was I singled out over and
over more than the others??? I still
don't have that answer. Even today I still at times find myself
in "the middle of/ being singled
out/accused of and or trying to force me"..... into situations
that I do not have a single thing to do
with it or even have any knowledge there of!! ...and of being
the object of verbal harassment....
Difference now is I have drawn my boundaries and I guard them
and tell them to back off LOL. I
don't get sucked into their "sick" games and abuse
but I find myself still highly affected by them.
It is surprisingly hard to admit to that.
After following Bear's thread here I have come to realize that
I have faced head on what all these
people have done to me.... over the last 3.5 yrs. of intense
therapy and cleansing, I have done
that. I placed the blame where it belongs, took responsibility
for my parts
got sad, mad,
indignant, in a rage...seen my reactions to it all. But after
all that progress I have made, why do I
still feel that rage that comes out of nowhere?? The tears with
no reason etc., etc. I know now I
haven't really understood what it has done to me. All the while
I am wondering how the hell I am
still there after all this? That I feel is very important.
I finally do see how angry I still am that they still try to
get me into that "victim" position,
however diminished. That anger also stems from fear that they
can take it all away. No matter
how much my brain knows they cant. So I have been turning
that anger on myself and my
husband and child. The cycle continues. I don't hit, I don't
throw or break things, but I snap, and
lecture and accuse
its all just as bad. I don't have
all the answers and Sonja's question has
been part of my "musings" but this thread has been
a huge eye opener. I have been forced into
dealing with it.
I tried to avoid this thread, just the title was putting me
into anxiety attacks
trying to read the
posts was making it too hard to breath. And the attacks have
been getting much worse. Well with
Panther on one side and Cougar on the other, both which haven't
pushed or nudged me much in
a very long time forced me to start following this thread. I
am very glad. (They are quite a force).
Looking further into PTSD has brought things more into perspective
again. Unhealthy people do
not appreciate healthy ones and attack them constantly to make
them be the "victim" again
that they will blame themselves and become vulnerable. And the
attacker then feels
better/superior again. I have known this along time, this is
my families profile, this is what they
do. I guess I didn't realize they are still doing it, just allot
less with allot less force. Instead of
coming right at me, they do it through others that eventually
get to me. They are nothing if not
The holidays make my family nuts, They get mad, irresponsible,
addictions come out full force,
verbal abuse is worse than ever and they suck each other into
it, the accusations fly. Nobody
takes responsibility for their own actions...ever. I stay away
from them all during this time and
thought I wasn't effected, but I am. I never thought I fit the
PTSD profile but I do. Honestly, I
didn't think I "deserved" the title...I hadn't been
abused enough, hurt enough.
I looked up the book Bear mentioned "I can't Get Over It"
and ordered it from my library,
Amazon lets you read some of it and I was amazed at how much
it resonated with me. Bear,
thanks for opening this subject up. I knew there was more I
needed to understand and was at a
standstill as to what it was.
Hi Dragon, I am happy that this has helped. Taking a look at
these kinds of things are
frightening to say the least, but once we face the Demons, we
take the power away from them
and regain the power that was stolen and then some. When i got
diagnosed with PTSD, I didn't
want it either. I figured my recovery from drugs and alcohol
was enough but truth be told,
because I work with addicts/alkies/ PTSD and then some, I had
to practice what I teach. Then to
top it off, I can hear my friend who crossed about 10 years
ago. laughing and saying, "So you
wanted to be a therapist eh?, okay healer, heal thy self!"...
sheeeeeeeesh, Coyote! even from the
grave I hear his wisdom!... He also was the one that reminded
me so many times to be careful of
what I wish for, I might get it! and I did! and you know, thank
god I did because it has helped me
to forgive the ol' man for what he did to me,. us and my mother.
I remember on several occasions
stating that I wished life was a little bit normal and he would
say "Whats normal?" Well, I am
glad I am not normal, how boring that would be! and if I were
"Normal" what would that be
like? Well, the answer I don't have and maybe I ain't ready
for that answer or any of the others.
The answers will come after I do the work it takes to earn them!
Yes, I think our my rage stems in frustration. I know because
am the guy I am would only hope
others would be the same way and when they aren't, I'm a psychopath
LOL! All I can do is to
take things moment by moment and try not to think about how
others should be, only how I am
and how I am in the present moment, (N.O.W.)
Dragon Spirit, The holidays make my family nuts, They
get mad, irresponsible, addictions
come out full force, verbal abuse is worse than ever and they
suck each other into it, the
accusations fly. Nobody takes responsibility for their own actions...ever.
I stay away from them
all during this time and thought I wasn't effected, but I am.
The holidays are the most Craziest time of the year. Expectations
are such a powerful thing,
seems no one can live up to the enormous expectations of the
holidays. My husband taught me a
powerful thing over the last 2 years, set expectations low and
people are more pleased. We told
the children that Jesus only got 3 gifts, so they were only
going to get 3 gifts. Amazing the
Back to the topic,
I didn't intend to say that there was responsibility to those
abuse for bringing the abuse on
themselves. I am not sure how to put it, other than the aura
of those sensitive people seems to
offend some people and it is like the abusers want to beat it
out of the sensitive people. My
husband says he remembers feeling that if he didn't get out
of the womb, he would die. He was
born 2 months early in a time where premies like that hardly
survived. Amazing to me, what
people can be aware of and how they react.
I think that you are on to something, an air of being different.
Yes, that is what I
think it is. I had only a couple of times that people wanted
to beat it out of me. For nothing more,
than I was different. The other part of being quiet and associated
that with being meek. I have
had that come up before too. It is a fine line to walk as a
woman in a male-dominated field. Too
quiet, than i am weak, too outspoken, than I am brash and overaggressive.
As for the near death,
my husband is aware of different times his guides are "grading"
or "checking" on him. The last
time, he left me in the car. To me it look like he had quit
breathing, so I quickly ran through
scenarios in my mind. I choose to just call his name, he came
right back. For my husband, he
doesn't have a pass to go over yet. Something he needs to do
this time around is not yet finished.
As I read the posts above I am left with a few questions / observations
Why do we care so much what others think?
Why do we need acceptance or why do we need others to validate
How is self-confidence lost and how is it regained?
Why can't we just be; through walking a quiet path in respect
for all and drawing lines non
aggressively where need be?
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