SPIRIT        LODGE   LIBRARY Healing Page 65 - Part 2

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A Journey Through Grief	A Technique That Relieves Pain	Aroma Therapy	Aura Colors When Healing	Cancer Affirmation	Dementia,Native American Approach	85 Medicinal Herbs	Fibromyalgia	Healing from the Anger of Abuse	High Blood Pressure
Irritable Bowel Syndrome	Mending Subconscious Wounds	Migraines	New Info for Asthmatics	Sudies on how Breakups affect the Brain	Power Animals in Healing discussion	PTSD & Rage	The Dynamics of Color Healing	When Healing is Dangerous	White Sage

PTSD & Rage Part 2
By Jimmy WhiteBear
(Some posts are missing from this thread, sorry)

Dragon:
Having your support gives me loads of courage and you always understand. Every
time you take about your Gran it gives me more insight into family members what makes them
tick...it helps.

Hi Bear I think the most important thing that I learned from your thread here is how multifaceted
healing is. I know that there is many layers to it, but I really didn't get how many
perspectives there is to it. I have been so busy with the whys and the how's that I didn't pay
enough attention to where it all left me. I know...one step at a time. I thank God for our groups
and my guides to help me see the sides I haven't yet, when its time. I do hope some say to get to
the forgiving part...seems it’s never going to happen. Partly cause they are still trying...just leave
me alone would ya?? LOL

I find myself doing allot of this

It is scary to face things, and boy I have faced a ton over the last few years...for me I have
noticed that the 2 biggest fears...

1.) being the one I mentioned in the 1st post, that these same people that caused the
hurt/harm/abuse can take who I am now...all away and I will become the "victim" once again.

2.) That there is something truly horrible buried in there that I haven't remembered yet. And
when it comes up I will lose myself completely. Does that sound stupid? lol hey, those two things
are the same fear aren't they?

Hmm..that was interesting. I know that my bottom line feeling is always the same, I want to be
free. I totally agree that rage stems in frustration, cause frustration is always how it starts....I
just don't want to feel the rage anymore. I guess all the years I buried it...has made it hard to
stop it fully. I guess if I was to answer what is normal for me? It would be that responses from
others would not always be frustration, rage, guilt, accusations, lies and my personal
fav..."sucking out one's soul" lol

“All I can do is to take things moment by moment and try not to think about how others should
be, only how I am and how I am in the present moment, (N.O.W.)”

That’s my goal for the present time. Thanks again ((((((Bear))))) Oh, I got the book in, I can’t get
over it....I opened it up, started to just peruse the contents and got a whopping attack LOL
avoidance at its best. But, after joining in this conversation, my attacks lessened considerably
since…so I am on the right path again. I have to stop taking a right at Albuquerque.

Sonja, I understood exactly what you meant and still think I’s part of it. Others sense something
maybe a little different or even powerful and they have to have a piece of it, get jealous or it
scares them. There was a thread started by Wolfie I think about a certain ability, I had posted
about how I can just meet a person and have a pretty clear picture of their lives and had to learn
early on to keep it to myself cause I was verbally attacked constantly for it cause it scared people
to have some of their most inner thoughts/feelings exposed.

Expectations I think are impossible to set at all. Since everyone has a different level of tolerance,
there are just way too many levels of expectations to ever get it right. We are all guilty of
expectations, and thank God for them…without expectations how would we improve ourselves?
Or just try new things/challenges? Sounds like your husband and yourself has a good attitude
about them.

(((Mouse))) thank you for the hug

Lotus:
What a beautiful thread, one full of sensitivity, courage, and strength of spirit, a thread that takes
us beyond "victimhood" Thank you (((Bear))) for opening the door so others could speak of their
journeys too. Journeys of healing and that is what I believe this thread is . . . a thread dedicated to
a journey of healing.

How powerful that becomes, to know you have healed ... symbolizing the end of a painful
frustrating era in our life. BRAVO!!! It takes courage to gather the strength to move past all the
negative emotions that affect our life until the journey of self-healing and self-empowerment
begins. I am a sister traveler, who was headed down a path of despair and self-destruction until I
was able to recognize the simple truth ... I had a responsibility as to how I chose to live.

In recent years, countless numbers of us who have experienced some form of life-altering trauma
in our lives have become aware of why we are/were so filled with pain and anger, so crippled by
despair and self-loathing, so hopelessly isolated and alone, so irredeemably "different." We were
victims, victims of parental dysfunction, victims of incest or sexual abuse, victims of emotional
exploitation or physical predation, victims of violence, neglect or indifference, victims of
humiliation or intolerance, victims of betrayal. But we were children, and none of us chose to be
wounded either in whole or in part.

I began my journey of "resurrection" about 35 years ago. It was a slow beginning, challenging
me every step of the way. Two steps forward, and several back, or so it seemed as I continued to
"fight and fear." It was only when I tried to end my life that I finally realized how desperately I
had been quarrelling and blaming fate. Having such despair and hopelessness seems unreal to me
today, but it was the most frightening time of my life. After that the real work began and little by
little as I started reclaiming the pieces of myself I had discarded, acknowledging and accepting
what had been, ready to embrace what could be and grateful for a second chance at living. Yes, I
blew the whistle on my father, was angry with my mother but as I healed I understood she did
the best she knew how to do, she may have been too distracted with her own pain to give me
what I needed, and he ... perhaps he too had been a child and even a young man of victimization.
Learning how to forgive and move past the hurt and betrayal was difficult but I was no longer
willing to remain imprisoned and preoccupied with my growing agony and deepening emptiness.
I was willing to venture deep into my psyche and confront the fears and shadows, and I did ... but
definitely NOT to the liking of my family.

Making peace with ourselves asks us to consider how we were. Did our anger cause pain and
grief to others? I discovered I didn't much like the gal I was and enlightened by this truth, I knew
it was time to stand tall and break the cycle I had inadvertently become part of. Was it easy,
absolutely NOT!

It was a process, initiation after initiation, then back down into the darkness to assimilate.
Periods of growth, stagnation, falling back, then more steps forward ... a very long process and I
couldn't have done it alone. I was blessed to have people urge and encourage me to accept and
develop my gifts. People who loved and cared about me and a wonderful therapist [now friend]
who was instrumental in my decision to continue my studies. Returning to school and then on to
university was a huge step for me, as I had always envisioned myself as "stupid." I stopped being
angry with life, and with the Great Spirit ... today there is a great partnership between us, I
stopped blaming others for my choices and accepted responsibility for my mistakes and how I
chose to live.

Discovering and embracing who I was, helped me learn how to be content and march to my own
drummer, no longer worried how others perceived me. What anyone chooses to believe is
between them and a higher power, and has nothing to do with me. Life became exciting, freeing
and filled with so much joy.

Today I am filled with immense gratitude and a sacred trust knowing Creator lights the way for
me. All that I experienced has led me to become who I am and I know there will always be
something more to learn and further blessings to receive. I give thanks for my life, my lessons
and my journey and I am honored to share it with you.

Minna:
Fear and anger. We learn fear. I'm thinking of a little baby, you know a very youngling, having
been safe and snuggled in the womb for so long. Remember how, maybe you are putting the little
one down in her crib too fast ~ you know how her arms fly out in alarm? There was no falling in
the womb ~ no sudden change of altitude. She has never experienced falling before and there is
fear, which she has never experienced before either. Two sudden shocks which alter her
consciousness. Bless us, to be followed by so many, many, more. This little baby doesn't register
that she has safe arms holding her through this sudden new peril. She just knows she feels
dropped and afraid. And what does she remember from this encounter ~ this shift in her reality?
Does she remember the falling and the fear, or does she remember touching the mattress in the
crib in safety, and being soothed by those arms. What if she doesn't get soothed, but only
remembers the fall? It could touch her whole life.

Does she keep the fear with her? And in the ongoing tiny life how many times is this fear
reinforced? There is a dance between fear and anger. How many times do you fall into your crib
before you add anger to the fear? The anger gives one a sense of control, whereas the fear is
engendered by helplessness. Seen in this way, anger is a good response. But then, the anger
spreads fear from the fearful ~ and angry ~ to those around and starts its own cycle. How do we
find those arms?

I remember a really odd thing from my work experience. This is not a good reflection on me, but
I guess it is a human thing. There was an older man at my work named George. He was a little
peculiar, but ya know, so am I. George was a sort of a timid soul. We enjoyed talking about Key
West, because he had written a little book about it and I used to live there. So, I am walking
down the hall at work and George is coming the other way. And as we passed each other, he
cringed ~ at me??? What? I am one of the last people with a threatening presence. This is
terrible, but I remember being shocked at myself thinking, "Wow, if George is afraid of me he
deserves to be smacked!" His fear called my anger. He hadn't done anything and neither had I ~
we were just walking past each other in the hall ~ but there it was.

Yes, I think 'difference', and also, hypervigilance can call anger. To so many sensitivity can
remind one of one's own vulnerability that it must be squashed. Immediately. Maybe people who
see sensitivity as vulnerability fear it and from the fear comes the anger. And boom. Just
thinking. Drac, Crow, Jimmy~ and all those who have given the gift of your vulnerability, your
courage and your insight ~ I honor you.

Dragon:
((((Lotus)))) I really needed to read your story today. To know that your process wasn’t so
different than mine is now, knowing you as you are today and the love and respect I have for
you??? This has given me more hope and more determination than ever to not give up on myself.
Thank you for sharing your journey...you always manage to touch mine. (((Minna))) I honor
yours as well...Thanks Minna

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Yes Minna, I think fear can trigger anger/rage and partly because fear is part of the "Fight or
Flight" response. Often when we are faced with the "Fight or flight response, we run away
seeking safety or that safe place. For some who have been through nightmares of abuse, they're
safe place is to withdraw into the darkness of their minds and others run for that physical place
of safety and then talk about how scared they had been. Many run for the bottle or drugs and
when they get sober/clean, know that there is something that will help them forget the fear, pain-
-whatever! Self-medicate!

Another side of Fear is fear of confrontation. What I mean by confrontation is being afraid to
talk to someone because we have already imagined what that personal will say,(we project).
Speaking only for myself, For some time I worked at being able to communicate my thoughts and
feelings instead of blowing up, yelling and screaming. But at some point fear crept back in and
caused me to withdraw some or become very secretive about how I feel. Anger stirs when I am
pushed to express my feelings and I become defiant. Anger and fear co-exist together but anger
hides the fear. In the same token, when someone around me expresses anger/rage, I go on the
defensive almost to offensive out of fear of my anger. The offensive takes form in passive
aggressive thinking and behaviors <------(what has to change). That’s the rage in my PTSD
today. I don't "flashback" per-say, I get ready to either run or fight!

I believe there are three steps in making a change, 1) Identify the problem. 2) decide what needs
to be done. 3) do it! I know that sounds simple but it isn't and I would be lying if I said it was.
Fear isn't learned, it is a survival mechanism in all of us from the day we are born. The day we
are born is the day we begin to learn how to use that defense mechanism. We learn to trust the
arms that are wrapped around us. we learn that fire is something to fear or aggressive animals
are something to beware of, if they charge us, our Fight or flight mechanism says, "Kill it or run
from it!! The same thing happens when we are faced with the possibility of severe injury or death
vs get the hell out of there before that happens. If we witness some major trauma or are part of
some major trauma and survive it, after it is when PTSD sets in Post meaning after.

Fear, anger, frustration etc., or actually all emotions are complicated especially when they interfear
with normal daily living. I think the arms are always there, we just need to feel them and it
only comes with trust and acceptance (((Minna)))))

Earthwalker:
A’ho! (((((((Lotus)))))))

Minna:
Wow ~ about being pushed to talk. I'm a slow processer. I have a lot of feelings, but I don't know
what they're about all the time. I just get the feelings and can't identify why or what.
Now my Sweet Honey, in his last marriage, silence was used as a weapon. So when I couldn't
talk about my feelings - like what was going on and why, well, he'd flashback to his last marriage
and feel sad and shut out and controlled.

This was not good, because then I'd just get more confused feelings.

Finally - one night - I had a lot of feelings - you know old stories surfacing and no clue what it
was about - only the feelings. I knew that if my Bear saw me all upset with no words that that
would call in his old stories. So he could feel shut out, or push, or just get all his feathers
bunched up too.

So hid. Well, ok - so my Honey found me ~ a grown woman hiding on the floor of the dark
closet. That must have been a sight for him. Well, I figured out a code. He's an engineer. So i
told him that, yes, I was upset - but I didn't know about what yet. I told him that my LED was still
blinking. And when it stopped, and I processed, I'd tell him. As soon as I knew, well, then he'd
know. That worked. So now ~ well, when my LED's blinking, he knows that I'm still figuring out
what in the world it is that has me all frizzled up and that when I get it, I'll tell him right after
I've told me.

Wynsong:
To all of you....Munay Chi! You have shown the depth of your Munay in your stories... and I am
grateful for the telling of them...for your soul's journeys...for your gifts of healing.
This thread has challenged me....
I have danced with it.
I have avoided it...
and lately I've taken to reading it backwards....
That I needed to write was clear...that I did not have a story to tell that I could articulate was also clear...
Not because my own deep wounding is not there...It is!
My journey here has been blessed with a lot of family and friends, with plenty of food, shelter
and safety...and some hurt and betrayal and many ways in which I 'sold myself a bill of goods' (lied to myself)
Some of you have travelled such scary roads to come to your wisdom...my path has been more of
Goldilocks...walking where I was not prepared to walk...finding my own fear in the face of three
bears, while I was warm and safe and fed in their beds.
In another place, in another incarnation Being Impeccable asked us to tell our hero's journeys....
I responded with a fablized version of my final expulsion from my illusionary Eden...and my
conscious journey towards my own healing ...

22nd September, 2005. 4:29 pm. A Personal Fable....written in response to a thread about Hero's

Journey Quests
Once upon a time a young, and then a not so young queen was living her life, blissfully unaware
that events were afoot, that would throw her from her Eden. A life where she had been content,
watching her young princes grow in joy, and love and bounty...

The not so evil King...maybe more besotten and illusionally addicted...had re-met the princess of
his youthful dreams, and having believed her to be his soul mate from their first meeting 28 years
before ..and again at their re-acquaintance 26 years before)...decided that Eden, nice as it may be,
was not his soul's journey. The Princess of his past was finally ready to leave her own Eden (her
own King and their life with their princes and princess) and he wanted with all his heart to try the
life he had sought 28 years before. The Past Princess and the King, left their respective
Edens...taking the illusions of many with them...

This is the journey of the once young Queen's Dis Illusionment.

Now the queen was no slouch....she was not to become a victim of disaster. On the evening he
told her, her world was no more, she knew and was able to tell her best friend, a queen from a
nearby queendom, that in 10 years’ time, she would be healed of this hurt. More than that, she
would be grateful for its happening, because there would be things in her life that could not have
come to pass, had she stayed in Eden. However, in that moment, as her friend the other queen so
aptly stated, "yeah, but this is really shitty".

And it was.

Often in the first few years it seemed easier to drift into victimhood...lose herself in work... and
to create a life in which she thought could not be hurt. To her eyes, in this time, it seemed a life
of not being able to be hurt, was one of independence (possibly strident independence).
She took some specific journeys to make sure that she was healed before she would even
consider opening to another relationship of that level of trust and intimacy with another human
being.

She held a celebration, in which she carried out a Ritual she learned from reading a book by
Sark...and she married herself. Her world had crumbled irrevocably just before her 45 birthday,
and on her 46th, she vowed to "love, honor and cherish herself"...something that on some level
she had learned was not a "good" trait. Judgments of 'self centred' and 'selfish' lurked just under
the surface of this path, and so her journey was now in conflict with some of the illusions to
which she was most wed.

During the next four years, she found little ways to bring a new advanced level of self
centerdness into being for herself. It was most evident in the legal arena, where her previous
tendency to allow herself to be hurt, to prevent another's discomfort, was replaced by a desire to
see herself taken care of. This arena made it easier to learn this new skill, as the "opponent" was
the King and the legal arena was his home, so she already felt disadvantaged by having to
confront this journey in a foreign and adversarial place. And she was bolstered by her new view
that the King had always "taken care of himself" quite well...and the knowledge that his desire to
take care of his "ideal Princess" outweighed his beliefs about his obligations to the old Queen
and the Princess. The legal arena also allowed her to, in her own crazy way of justifying her
actions to her own inner judge (who was whispering of the evils of being self-centered), that this
activity was not entirely self-centered...as she was aware that on some levels she was still taking
care of the King too. He was never good at dealing with discord, so he was not going to want to
deal with her over the next many years to come, if she felt abused by the process. So the new
marriage to herself could be good for both of them....It is nice when the universe can conspire to
make the pieces of the story come together so neatly.

It took four years from his first leaving, to finish with the legal arena, and during that time, she
grew in confidence that taking care of herself, did not make her a bad person, and actually might
enhance relationships. She started to extend those lessons out towards her sons...and that was
hard for all of them.

They too, loved the illusion of independence that had actually been exaggerated by the loss of
Eden. There were lots of ways to delude themselves of their absolute lack of interdependency,
one of which was having two separate fiefdoms to choose to live in. One simply moved, when
the rules in one became uncomfortable for a prince just growing into his own desire to rule his
own life.

The queen's new found independence was not helping her deal with the turmoil that started to
grow as the princess struggled to find their own feet.

Now during the year following the exit from the legal arena, she had found her way to a school
for people trying to heal themselves and bring healing to the world. This school took her on
journeys too.

The first entailed, shedding her attachment to who she had been, so that she could grow into her
becoming, and be informed by who she will be in her future. The South!

The second entailed looking at the genetic and karmic patterns of dying, and shedding those too,
so that she could live and die as she chose based on her becoming. The West!

The third, had her step out of time, and out of relationship to all her roles...all the ways she
defined who she was in relationship to all that is....and to step into relationship with the lineage
of wisdom teachings. The North!

And the fourth and final journey around the circle for the first time, had her die to her life, so that
she could be reborn into her destiny. The East!

And as she made those journeys, one of many things that became abundantly clear to her, was
her neediness. A neediness that flew in the face of the independence she so ardently vowed to
find. An independence that she had coveted, to prevent herself from being thrown out of Eden
again, if she attached her presence in Eden, to another human beings presence in her life. And in
disavowing her neediness, she threw herself out of Eden. Creating battlegrounds on every front,
where she had to prove to herself that she was "OK" without help.

Now, just in case her mother reads this...she fought these battles in the nicest of ways on the
literal level, you know, the one people can see and judge. However, energetically, she had posted
DO NOT DISTURB signs a mile high in every direction. DO NOT FEED THE QUEEN, for she
needs to feed herself, or she is afraid that she will get hurt. And it is just another of her
misunderstandings to believe that people are not aware of these battles, and do not see and judge
them and her in the process.

During her journey, she discovered, that she had never fed herself...that her nourishment comes
from the great generosity of Mother Earth and Father Sun...and of Mother Earth's other children.
She did not even breathe herself, for without the oxygen the plant people make from what they
take in nourishment from the Great Mother and Father Sun and the Stone people, they would not
exist, and so there would not be enough oxygen in the atmosphere for her to breathe....
And the ways in which she needs Mother Earth, Father Sun, and all her relations (the seen and
the unseen) on the Earth in every moment of her existence, became a reality for her, that so
stunned her, she began to look at all the other ways in which she had deluded herself into
believing she could live without need.

And of course she discovered...She cannot love or be loved, without opening to need. And so she
has opened to Spirit...and she has asked Spirit:
"To help me to be open to and to act in right action/relationship to people who can love me as I
am, and that I can love as they are, and to help me be open to and to act in right action/relationship to my needs in relationship with
all that is."

She has returned home to her Queendom, and will accept with gratitude, that which she finds
there, and that which may travel through...and to be grateful for all that supports her in her needs,
as she learns to see that she lives in her Eden always.

It was the work of the south in which I found that I did not see myself as lovable as myself.
Where I got to see my own hubris ...my need to be important...my need to be acknowledge for
my contributions. Where I got to see my fear of being "too"..."too intelligent, too strong, too
weird..." Where being who I was fully made me "too", which made me unlovable, which set me
to hiding mySelf...rendering myself Invisible...or at least Ignorable....

It was the work of the West and the North that gifted me with the good side of my ancestral
curses....and allowed me to start to step into my own Power...to accept that being Power-filled
was not inherently BAD...did not need to lead to being "too" and did not require me to hide
mySelf.

It was the work of the East that allowed me to start to integrate it into my being...to allow mySelf
to be...warts/gifts and all...to stop hiding mySelf in what I think might be an acceptable form....to
acknowledge my interdependence and dependence on all that is to be the least/most that I am...
So Many words....

Minna:
Wynsong, sometimes it takes a lot of words to tell a story of courage and change. Namaste.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
No Minna and Wynsong, I have not challenged your journey's or anyone else’s, I have tried to
provide an opportunity for me to challenge my own journey. If coming inside the Bears Den has
opened you to reflect and grow, this ia good!... Not many dare to enter the Den and Hibernate.
The teachings of the medicine wheel show us first to illuminate our time and space (east),then to
move in to the south and get in touch with the child within all of us, grow from the illumination,
then to step into the west and reflect on what we have learned (The Bears Den) Keep what we
need and throw away what we can't use anymore and finally in to the north to cleanse ourselves
of the old dirt and dust that we have clung to for security.

We all know that the medicine wheel is about much more then this but it is the beginning. I
sometimes like to think of our paths as shoveling a path through a snow storm. When we have
cleared away the majority of the snow, we later have to go back over what we shoveled just to
clean up what has fallen back in or what the wind has blown back. This is why we are able to
travel the medicine wheel in any direction. We don't have to follow wheel in a clockwise
direction all the time.

We can stop anywhere within the wheel and learn from the spirits or guardians that protect every
facet of the wheel (our lives). All we have to do is become willing to stop and trust that the
lessons being taught to us are the lessons that we need to learn at the time and not question,
"Why me?' well, "Why not me?" What makes me any different from the next shmuck? What did
I learn from this?

When I enlisted in the Navy in 69', I was stationed in Portsmouth NH. I was pissed! I enlisted to
get away from home, get away from my father, family, ex-girlfriend etc., etc. I went to personnel
and asked to be transferred to Vietnam, I even thought about transferring to the Army or Marines
just to get away. Looking back some years later, Creator intervened and kept me in Portsmouth
so what did i do, stayed drunk and did as much dope as I could so I could forget how bad I felt.
Had they let me go to Nam, I probably wouldn't have come home. I guess creator thought I had
been through enough and there was a greater plan but damned if I could figure it out!... The path
was set, I had to go through what I went through to get to where I am today!

The Medicine wheel teaches us about accepting life on life’s terms. There are very valuable
lessons in our journey to where we are at today, We got here because we are supposed to be here.
Our choice is to make it the best "HERE" we can!... My present (today) is the sum of all I have
been through and it isn't all that bad! LOL, Could be better but has been worse!... My future is
unwritten, it unfolds because of the choices I make. If I want my future to be better, I have to
make this day and everyday a little better than the last... That is the challenge!...
A’HO!

RainbowDove:
I want to thank everyone that has contributed to this thread....reading it and reflecting on what
has been expressed has been a "teacher" for me.

Mari-la
(A short *hehe* post out of the silence...) Thank you all for sharing so much. Here in Germany
so many people of my age are children of parents with PTSD. Having fathers who joined the
army or who were forced to join the army when being a child - being responsible for so many
people even at the age of 17 or younger. Mothers having had experienced death and abuse and in
these times having played next to the dead as it was normal...

We children face(d) actions and re-actions from these parents, that we could not explain. Today
the (in special younger) doctors and social helpers for older people are trained to understand the
PTSD symptoms, as they face it when taking care of the older people. When getting old the
mechanisms of suppressing things vanish more and more and things come to the light - to be
worked with. For this the helpers are trained, to discern when there is a PTSD and when there is
another indication.

I might say that there nearly is/was not week, that there were times when there was no day when
we did NOT face PTSD reactions from people (also family). Being 5, 7 years old and facing the
rage and aggression - it is not an easy thing to NOT take it personal...

And here in this country - where are the people to help these people with PTSD to get along with
what they have experienced? We have to look to other countries to get "tools", in special spiritual
tools - and it is a gift that people are willing to share and to help. This way my conclusion is that
(very generally said) spiritual gifts are to be shared - we on a world are family, it is not only
family the next 50 miles around. (Very generally said - as a matter of shortness and time...
*smile*)

This was one aspect of how I experienced PTSD in daily life, since I was born. This thread
helped me to be with the question what was my reaction of growing up with PTSD people
around since I had been a baby... Not to take things personally - again this comes... Thank you all
for this help you gave.

(In my work I also faced PTSD when being with people who had been abused.) As I am not able
to step into a discussion (I am preparing to leave for some weeks) I just wanted to share this and
say a biiiig "Thank you!" to all who opened up and who shared! May the Divine Love and Light
be with you all...Namaste!

Wynsong:
Bear, I did not mean that you challenge my journey in the personal, and I think you knew that....
Words fail...Your journeying and journaling gave me the sense of challenge to
take/make/continue my own journey.... maybe would be more accurate.
Your journey, the Bear's Den that you created for me to see (for the first time, consciously)
created in me a sense of 'niggle'... a quiet dis ease, that I needed to either ignore, so that I could
stay put and get comfortable with all I NOW KNOW, which was starting to feel good....or
recognize my own need to face the dis ease and move on in/with my journey.
The cross roads!, where we rest and recreate ourself in preparation to step onto the road
again....

I am glad Bear, that you were there at the Inn I stopped at, to entice me out again. I am glad that
you are all here, writing your stories, filling my cup and my plate, enticing me to lie with new
perceptions a while...and then opening me to the need to move on, with the promise that we will
Fare Well and Meet Again....maybe even when I am Well Come at the next Inn at the next Cross
Roads I come too, or stop at.

The Bear's Den....what a wonderful name for a Well Come! Munay Chi
Until we meet again and again and again....Thank you Cinnamon, Katt and Mouse for this site is
a very large and Well Coming Inn....and I am always so pleased to find so many nurturing souls
here.

Minna:
So now this is a happy thing. For the first time, i see the word 'challenge' and it has moved from
a confrontive word to an encouragement word. What a lovely thing to see. It becomes a word of
peace and healing. How nice.

StarDreamer:
“What I mean by confrontation is being afraid to talk to someone because we have already
imagined what that personal will say,(we project).”
That’s me….or has been me. What’s that quote? The one about how we aren’t afraid of finding
out how powerless/helpless we are, but how incredibly powerful?

The few times I’ve stood in righteous anger and let her rip…words pouring from my mouth…my
body shaking with the effort of their release from me…I became quite aware of the power of my
words and it scared the bejeebers out of me. I saw my ex cower in front of me like a small child
in fear of being eaten by the Boogie Man once. That Me was quite unfamiliar to those around
me. I knew her well, but I’d kept those words at bay…harboring them within afraid of their
power.

I’ve known the power of words ever since I can remember. And while my youth was one where I
learned to stifle them, I know it was a contract that I had agreed to. I also knew the power of
words to impart Grace. I chose that path this lifetime.

I think I’ve shared this before…that my first memory was when I was in my crib. My mother was
tucking me in for the night. She hovered over me murmuring Mommy things, her head swathed in
a scarf over pin curls. I was fully aware that she was leaving me for the evening with someone
else. She had someplace to go and she was feeling guilt for leaving me. Tears snuck down her
cheeks. As she turned to leave and I watched her walk down the shadowed hall, nightlight in the
bathroom defining her retreat, I wanted so much to call out to her, “It’s okay, Mommy. I’m not
alone. I’ll be alright.” But I couldn’t, of course. I had no words yet. I knew then I wasn’t
alone…never would be. I think I’ve been working all my life towards finding ways of putting
those powerful words across to others…We are not alone…Never will be.

So I know the power of words…both the pain and the joy that they can impart. It’s been the
battle to find the balance in those words that I’ve lived. Growing up in this world of words has
led me through a myriad of ways of either holding them to myself for fear of hurting others, or
bleeding them out willy-nilly in great pain with no barriers or concern for other.

Masculine/Feminine balance, I guess. (Wolfie! *smile*) Geez, I’ve been a creative little bugger
in that way. LOL Did it through acting and reading in performance, and writing…there was a
comfortable distance there, you see. But whenever it came to speaking those words to someone
face-to-face…I’d clam up. These last two years have been a journey to finding the opening and
balance…my voice.

Somehow in the midst of all the mundane experiences of my life I forgot something. That
message of “We are not alone” was not just for others, but was for me, too! In distancing myself
from the words, I’d distanced myself from the Grace they impart. I’d held myself separate, not
just from my fellows on my walk, but from the One who had walked with me always. I needed to
hear those words myself.

That realization came during one of those “dark nights of the soul” when I was online chatting
with a friend. He was far away, “a comfortable distance”, in Hawaii. I was sitting in my chair in
front of my computer in my own apartment during my first year of solitude after my divorce. I
was in that awful pit of darkness and loneliness, physically thrashing in my chair, not “hearing”
the words of my good friend, when I felt a presence and saw an arm, hand extended, reaching
out to me. And I knew…I re-membered. I was not alone. I opened my heart to the words of my
friend and let their Grace bathe me.

Now it’s been a struggle for me to continue that opening. It’s been six years from that experience
and I am just now really opening to let myself receive Grace, as well as impart it. To share my
heart thoughts and feelings verbally with another without distancing myself from them
first…afraid of the power. To hear the Grace of their words and sit in acceptance.
Sitting in acceptance…well, there ya are! All this rambling in a nutshell! LOL

All these words and all I had to say was:
Know you are not alone.
Sit in Acceptance.
Let Grace flow through you to others and back again.
Oh, well….

Lotus:
Dragon, you were instrumental in my decision to share more of my thoughts ...As this thread
continues growing I can feel it's empowerment, moving through the hearts and spirits of so
many. Stepping into the pain rather than numbing out. It's like a "feel good" drug.
Respecting and releasing the repression of feelings once we become conscious of our pain is
freeing. So often we try to go around what hurts us most, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist in
hopes it will "go away." Of course it doesn't "it" simply festers, waiting to pounce at each and
every opportunity, asking to be healed ... and the only way to heal is to walk right through it. NO
SHORTCUTS either.

I wonder if we get discouraged because it seems never ending, at least I know I use to always
wonder when it would be over! I was doing all the right things yet I didn't feel any better, at least
not for a long time.

What we forget is that there are many layers to be healed ... anger/rage is usually only the top
layer and we can't get to any other level of healing without first cleansing that anger. Writing
about it is a wonderful way of expression but anger needs a voice too. Scream, yell, swear,
growl, roar, or whatever to free yourself from what has been stealing your energy. But be
aware... clearing anger is NOT a quick fix. There is NO set amount of time it takes, each of us
must find the right formula. And how will you know when all your anger has been cleared out of
your system ... you'll know when your recall of the event or trauma no longer triggers rage.
From a woman's point of view, and from my own experience, women often skip the anger stage,
despite the fact that there is enough rage inside to blow up a football stadium. Whenever I have
participated in anger workshops and I've led intensive weekend retreats where people do deep
process work, it always amazes me how people who appear to be quite meek and mild-mannered
can store enormous amounts of anger within.

Although there isn't a set formula for stages of healing, most of us arrive at sadness once we have
dealt with the anger. Sadness for many reasons, and the one that sticks out most in my mind is
sadness for what could have been different.

Interestingly enough, this is the stage that most men avoid and where most women hang out.
When women feel frustrated and angry, they cry, men get angry "losing it." And again, once we
can talk about the life situation without wanting to cry or get angry, we know it is time to
continue our journey of healing and growing.

I won't go through all the stages but I would like to share one more ...
And now a real big one, fear! Who hasn't experienced a fear in their life, no one that I know. But
the fear I am talking about here relates to the specific situation you have selected to heal. This is
a long and painful part of healing that's why it's important that you don't rush through the
process.

There is more I want to say but I will wait
Ooooh I just want to hug you all and tell you how much I love you!

Dragon:
Lotus, “Dragon, you were instrumental in my decision to share more of my thoughts ...”
I am honored to be a part of it, and again, very grateful
“Stepping into the pain rather than numbing out.”
I detest the numbing...I would rather step in to the pain, it is empowering.
“and the only way to heal is to walk right through it. NO SHORTCUTS either.”
I have tried the shortcuts for sure and when it came back around , which it always did, I hit the
ground hard. Lesson learned lol

“I wonder if we get discouraged because it seems never ending, at least I know I use to always
wonder when it would be over! I was doing all the right things yet I didn't feel any better, at least
not for a long time.”

Yes, yes!! That is specifically what was dragging me down lately. I was really starting to feel like
a failure, not too mentioned questioning myself and letting someone start to convince me that I
was just kicking it around and should just be done with it all. I just couldn’t convey how timely
and important your post was on your process. I was desperate and now I am not. I believe in it
and me again. I really just can’t say thank you enough ..

“And how will you know when all your anger has been cleared out of your system ... you'll know
when your recall of the event or trauma no longer triggers rage.”
I'm glad to have that confirmed. Sometimes when there is allot, you get confused on what might
be coming to pass and what is still very much out front.
“sadness for what could have been different.”

This is where I still find allot of rage, but at myself.... when I look back and see the choices that I
knew were wrong but was too scared to make the right ones. Maybe this is why I have such a
hard time forgiving "them" if I can’t forgive myself yet. I think I just now got how important
forgiving yourself is...I just didn’t think it was instrumental. Well, a brand new perspective for a
brand new year. You never fail to make me think.

“the fear I am talking about here relates to the specific situation you have selected to heal.”
I read that, and I read it, and I read it again...and sat here stumped realizing...I wasn’t sure what
I am afraid of anymore. So I walked away for a moment, sat back down the answer was
clear...once again...I am afraid of losing myself. I guess the strength and knowledge that no one
can, will root itself in time. That really is it....why has it been so hard to just know that is what I
am afraid of? Why do I keep burying it? I guess acknowledging it is the 1st step, now just to face
it head on. Why am I afraid? What do I think it means? Some of the questions I need to answer.
Many, many, hugs for you Dear Lotus

Earthwalker:
Whispers, “Sadness for many reasons, and the one that sticks out most in my mind is sadness for
what could have been different.”

To me this is the hardest stage and what I mean when I say giving up expectations in acceptance.
If we live in “what could have been” we stagnate; since the reality is that “what could have been”
was a probability or a statistic at a previous point in time but that time no longer exists. If we
choose to live in the “what could have been” then we give up the "today". To me it is and was an
important lesson to learn that we are not in control of what happens but can only choose how we
live each day, today.

In reality even though living in acceptance, I wonder if there isn’t always a part of you, at least
me, that still retains the path to travel to this sadness. To me there are still triggers that can make
me wonder “what if”. As an example, my son sat in the car the other day talking about the fact
that he wanted to get married and have “two girls” as well as be a bull rider. His argument was
“Mom, it’s my life and I can do what I want. You cannot keep me forever”. We explored his
dreams but there is no way for him to understand that he cannot have children due to the BMT,
nor that he can’t bull ride due to the spinal problem associated with DS. There is no way to make
him realize that working for two hours each week isn’t enough to support a wife or children if he
could have them.

I am so proud of him for having dreams and his independent nature, yet also know the reality is
that none of this can come to pass. Yet it does takes me back to that place of “what if”. What
would he have been without the genetic defect of Trisomy 21. What would he have been had he
not had leukemia? I suspect he would have been a very intelligent, kind and independent man
instead of man entrapped within the mind of a child and a body riddled with disease. Therein for
a few seconds I have to admit the sadness of "what if" returns. Then reality steps in and I
internally say to myself “Get over it. The reality is that he has changed more in his short life than
most normal people do in a lifetime. He is successful and beautiful just as he is.” I choose to live
with the positive perspective of acceptance and reality comes back again into focus and I have to
admit how much I have been given by his presence. I thank Spirit for his presence but also wish
he didn’t have to suffer so much that I could learn. But as he so often says in the innocence of
adult childhood “I am brave” and that he is. He sets an example to live by bravely looking at the
beauty of each day and never ever giving up. Through acceptance I have been given the gift of
seeing through the eyes of this child man. Is there sadness when giving up the what could have
been? Yes, of course. But it is minuscule by comparison to the joy of acceptance and the
opportunities to see from a different perspective.

I wish for each of you the joy of today instead of the sadness of what could have been even while
understanding the necessity of both. Our sadness leads us to our greatest joy if we give up our
expectation of “what could have been”.

Minna:
This is not deep or thoughtful. I am just about to pop! I can't stand it ~ All you guys ~ each ~
every…single...one...of…you…is just absofreakinlutely too cool even for Jazz. In your pain, in
your anger, in your remembrance, in your discouragement and despair, in your philosophy, in
your honesty, in your courage and your hope - in the way you just keep on keepin on ~ you are
just simply amazing. You are, you know.

Lotus:
(((Earthwalker))) I felt so much as I read your post ... the questions of what might have been, the
acceptance and awareness of what is, the love you have for your beautiful son, and I see him
clearly, a bright shining star touching the lives of so many. Had his life situation been different,
I'm not sure he would have been able to reach others and gift them with his presence in the same
way he does now. Earthwalker, you are a very special mom, a beautiful person, one I have come
to care deeply about, thank you for being who you are.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Absolutely awesome ladies!... I don't think I ever imagined the level of honesty and healing that
has come out of this thread for myself and for you. I have seen clients come to a level of
acceptance that has brought tears to my eyes but nothing like this...Fear of facing things
(responsibility) has always dogged me and even now at times creeps back in. Fear always meant
"Forget everything and run" and when that shows its ugly puss, I have to stop and "Face
everything and recover." Spirit is always guiding us to move forward and reach that potential
where we become "Powers of example" and you are all powers of example to me!...
With much love and respect, May this new year bring you the peace and healing we owe
ourselves. May your potential of becoming the healers we hope to be manifest itself in all of us.

Earthwalker:
Lotus , Michael has been influential in the lives of many people. Through him with others,
changes have been made. I do accept him as he is, it’s just once in a while especially when his
expressed dreams are outside of reality that a trigger back to the sadness occasionally occurs. I
think this triggers stays with us forever, somehow reminding us of the choice we make each day.
After the anger and the sadness comes choice.

Choosing life in the face of death (death both literally and or of an expectation, I have found) is
one of our greatest teachers. It leads us from the internal “why” to the action of “how”. The
questions of how lead us to and through acceptance to change. Change occurs in the perspective
from which we view both ourselves and the outside world. Therein the anger, the sadness and the
pain of death (death of an expectation of what could have been) gives way ultimately to an
appreciation of the diversity and magnificence of life. But as you have cautioned the change in
perspective occurs incrementally and takes time. However, the choice of life guides our way and
removes fear.

I think we can choose to walk our earth walks in fear of death or in the light of life accompanied
by the understanding that death, at times, is a friend. For some death is chosen, for others it is
given but I believe death physical or an ending to an expectation always comes at the
appropriate time when there is no more for the person to learn or to give in the physical or
situational reality. When death occurs in the physical reality it is a time of returning to the flow
of life and the spiritual walk of beauty. It may leave those of us remaining wondering “what if”
yet when we give up the expectation or the sadness of the “what if” and accept the reality of
“what is” and choose life we come to an understanding of the gift we have been given through
living through the harshness of loss of physical reality. Isn’t it through exploring through the
depths of our being that we are gifted with the experience of the spiritual walk of beauty while
still in physical form? I believe the way we choose to view or accept death reflects the way we
choose to live.

Earthwalker:
SL,
The word “healer” bothers me since to my mind it creates somehow or denotes a division or a
status different than another. Admittedly, this maybe a remnant of my pharmaceutical
perspective where everything is status labeled. I find it frustrating to rely totally on labels since
they can be wrong and then there is no accountability or responsibility for re-thinking and
questioning something that doesn’t appear right.

Philosophically, I believe we are all healers each in our own way. We simply connect to and
touch different people. Through these connections we demonstrate are interconnectedness and
somehow help create a support system (a mini web of life). I acknowledge that we have different
paths and in a culture governed through the written word we have labels. But labels have always
bothered me since they are used so often to denote status. To me status carries with it an
expectation or the lack thereof and personally I feel a label can incorrectly albeit inadvertently
empower or disempower a person. This bothers me since I believe we are all equals, just
standing in different perspectives. So I thank all of you for your comments but if it’s okay can I
just be Earthwalker? None of us are really anything without one another. It is through the
connections created and governed by powers far greater then ourselves that we are led to share
and therein heal.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Hi Earthwalker, Yes, Labels are such a negative at times and I use the word "Healer" more in the
spiritual sense then the practice of healing. We are all healers in our sense, we are all shaman and
we all have the potential in becoming healers and shamans. I carry many labels that some have
been put on by others and some I have attached to myself but above anything and everything, I
am just another human on this earthwalk. Labels certainly present an EGO problem with me
meaning "Better than". I am no better or no worse than the next guy/girl. This thread isn't about
becoming a healer, it is about Healing!...Respectfully

Earthwalker:
A’ho Bear A’ho!

Mari-la:
“We are all healers in our sense, we are all shaman and we all have the potential in becoming
healers and shamans. I carry many labels that some have been put on by others and some I have
attached to myself but above anything and everything, I am just another human on this
earthwalk. (...) I am no better or no worse than the next guy/girl.”
Thank you, Bear.

Lotus:
This discussion wouldn't be complete without giving thought two other areas, one, the
aftereffects of sexual or physical abuse imposed upon a child, and the reaction of confronting
which I will speak about later. I should mention that I am using HE as the perpetrator but let us
not forget that woman can also abuse.

I know there are eyes reading this thread that may not be comfortable sharing their story ... If
you have been or know someone who is a victim of sexual abuse, I hope this can help ...
Over the years I have worked with many clients who were dealing with sexual abuse. Often
called victims, [I so dislike labels] I have always thought of them as "people of great strength
and character," even though they may have doubted their own ability to overcome obstacles.
In sexual abuse an omnipotent person imposes his or her will on a child which of course leaves a
child feeling helpless, terrified, vulnerable, thus she/he is robbed of having control over her/his
life, body, choices, learning quickly in order to survive, she/he must surrender. In time the child
loses a sense of self.

Families where paternal incest occurs, are generally characterized by a power imbalance
wherein a father wields absolute authority over a relatively powerless wife and children. He asks
no one’s approval or permission for anything he does ... he takes what he wants and expects
others to accommodate him. Although the outside world may see them as model families and
father may very well be a respected member of the community, the family lives on constant guard
for the next explosion, the next incident of abuse.

In healthy families, boundaries are strong, in abusive families, there are no boundaries and a
fortress of shame and secrecy isolate the child, creating with her/him an enmeshment, a state
where she/he has no sense of self as separate from his agenda, his needs, his wishes. Seeing a
trusted parent [or another adult] choosing to hurt her/him is confusing and becomes part of the
child's growth. Feeling she/he is to blame, the child grows into an adult who's life becomes out
of balance with a distorted view of power and relationships ... lack of self-worth, self-love, trust
issues to name a few as well as all the other emotions we have been discussing ... in particular ...
anger/rage, guilt and depression. Rather than delve into uncovering all aftereffects of abuse, I
wanted to simply share a brief outline and would be glad to discuss anything that arises.
There is one after affect that has yet to be mentioned. I spoke about this a couple of years ago
here at SL. I was never much of a drinker, didn't like the "stuff," and so my chosen weapon of
destruction became food and I became anorexic. Not overnight of course, it too was a process.
At first it was very empowering, I had control over something, that is until it had control over
me. My weight plummeted to a mere 95 pounds and I struggled for many years to get healthy.
Being anorexic led to health issues I could have avoided if I had found a better way of dealing
with my pain.

I share my words with you today in hopes that you may begin to understand that the hands that
hold the hands of the children are the hands that create the child's world. Regardless of the
circumstances, no child deserves to be abused! Now your world is in your hands, have you
created safe loving world for your inner child to heal? If you haven't you can and if you need a
hand to hold, here's mine, and if you need a hug, I offer my arms to hold you, and if you need
someone to walk beside you, just say the word, and I'm there.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
This discussion will never be complete as long as others come and acknowledge their own abuse
or trauma. They may not post in here and that is okay as long as they take something from our
sharing here.

I have met many abusers in my work, some should have had they're weenies cut off with dull
rusty scissors. Some don't deserve the right to breath air. I don't care how much of an illness they
have, to rob some of their innocence, trust, childhood because all they can do is live to hurt
others. I realize these are very strong emotions but hey? Work in a prison for 5 or more years and
you'll meet the worse of the worse. In other words, I have met some very cold people, scary
people.

To come back to the topic of recovery/healing from trauma. It takes very strong, very determined
people to survive and use they're strength to help others through trauma... You all are those
people and it honors me to have you share it with me...

Lotus:
(((Bear))) You are more precious that even you can imagine *smile* Thank you again for
starting this wonderful thread. I know it has opened the door for many and helped remove some
of the fear just knowing none of us are truly alone. I hug you tightly and I am grateful to have
you in my life's journey. I love you my friend!

Mari-la:
Lotus, thank you so much for your lasts posts... During the last years the memories came back
about deep abuse I had experienced my last lifetime. I had been a small child. My Shamanic
Teacher had helped me so much to walk through this trauma. I had no feeling for my body down
from the bellybutton. I hated my body down from my bellybutton. I treated my body badly down
from the bellybutton - in order to cut away what was waiting there for such a long time to come
to the light.

In this life I had worked with (traumatized) children - and it was to help myself, too... We helped
each other.

This night I was able to face the rests of the bad abuse that had happened. I had met the man
again in this life - and my Shamanic teacher also had helped me to walk through this meeting and
this challenge. I forgave him - and this way ties were to be released. Also my family felt
something around him. They were scared to know that I was alone at home and that he might
know this - and they did not know about the past life! They "felt" "something" - and they asked
me to lock the doors! Though he was more than one hour away!

With the seeing this night the old feelings came up again. Shame, the wish to hide, the wish not
to become an adult, the wish to suppress each kind of sexuality... But facing it - freedom from
the things came. I fell asleep with the knowing that I will feel my "whole" body again - and that I
will no longer be afraid to face what will come with the body memory. I fell asleep feeling my
whole body being bathed in golden light... Being able to accept this body as a tool for God to
work with - no longer to hide...

I was a small child in the last life when all these things happened. I could not stand people
touching me in this life. I tried to avoid physical contact as much as possible in this life.
My Shamanic Teacher helped me so much. The first time I cried out
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" in a Sweat Lodge - this way also healing started... I could not stop
shouting NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He saw, he knew - and he helped during hands-on-healing in
such a beautiful way to release and to integrate what had happened.

I will not correct all my mistakes here as I am not in the position right now to work again and
again through this - it is a time to let go and to release.
I was punishing myself and my body a lot - it is time to let go...
Thank you all for offering this sacred place here...
PS: I had died as a child the last life - with the abuse topic freshly around... It might be that
therefore it was with me this life, too, so much... I just felt to add this...

Lotus:
(((Mari))) I honor your journey and walk beside you as you let go into becoming the beautiful
person I see in you. Your trip to India will bring great joy and you my dear friend will be
instrumental in touching the life of a certain child perhaps more than one that you will have
occasion to meet. Journey well and safely.

AlaeSalt:
(((((((((( Jimmy )))))))))), How wonderful to see you here! Still performing your healing
miracles, eh? Your sharing is always so special.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Hi Alae, LTNS! Welcome to SL! I Hope you share some of your magic with us!

Wynsong:
Labels for me are not a negative, because for me they are a starting place...not a limitation.
A child with ADD, doesn't limit his potential, but lets me know one of many things that needs to
be addressed for him to step into his becoming. Some conditions that we have labels for are not
as easily overcome as ADD....some are easier... maybe I'll never overcome some, and that
doesn't stop me from trying...and I am still glad to know from where I am starting in my journey.
Language is a series of labels...that we created to represent symbolically a commonly accepted
meaning.... so it as a cultural bias....it is based in our own mythology.
If you say a "Judas kiss" to someone with no familiarity with the story of Jesus...they will not
understand the reference...

If you say..."he is sitting on the fence" to someone not old enough or familiar enough with the
language ...they will think that there is a person sitting on top of a fence, and wonder why it is
significant.
Language is a tool....not good or bad...just the uses we make of it.
That being said....
Language has great power...for grace giving and for soul destroying...
Healing cannot happen unless there is potential for its opposite.
I cannot love, unless I can love myself...

I cannot love myself unless I accept that I am lovable inherently...for if it is something I must
earn...or be..., then it becomes like being addicted to being lovable....I will always be striving to
attain a more lovable state ...or so it seems to me.
Whispers said “Although there isn't a set formula for stages of healing, most of us arrive at
sadness once we have dealt with the anger. Sadness for many reasons, and the one that sticks out
most in my mind is sadness for what could have been different.”
This place, sadness, leads me now, to grieve illusions I was actively living that I have been disillusioned
of....or to grieve a 'becoming' that will not be.... Which in turn is an opportunity to
"love what is".

I have found I cannot let go of the sadness, until I grieve.
And we are a society that avoids grieving...has ritualized it to a few short days...and, with rare
exceptions, expects everyone to 'move on', 'pull up the bootstraps' and 'get back on the
horse'....We have a myriad of expressions to cover "STOP GRIEVING, you are making me
uncomfortable!"

When the illusions that I was actively calling reality unraveled. and my world view shifted....I
grieved...and became uncomfortable to be around for many....
5 years later...I still grieve...not all of it ( some is done)...I am often surprised by the layers of
illusion (like an onion) that I am still wrapping my essence up in....and every so often...I find
another layer of the illusion/onion....and as I peel it away....I now leave time to grieve all that
was attached to it....all the ways I gained from believing it (secondary gains)...all the false safety
that it made me feel.

I am wondering at the cherished 'moral high grounds' that we hold to be rights...I think they often
lead to illusions of a safety we were never promised...that is not inherent to life...
Possibly a human creation...that we can then entrench in a philosophy and possibly call religion...
I open a door...

Minna:
I have trouble with labels too. I don't know if this fits in with the flow of these brave words that
have been spoken here.
I am a healer. I have been called a healer and I have cringed. But when I think about it, I am not
a healer according to anybody else’s words, or the way they might think a healer is.
If I am ever a healer, it is because I stumble along and share my fear and share my love in some
honest moment, and maybe others can take courage from that. Because I don't know what I am
doing, and I can report of the gift of love and caring and beauty that come to me in, and after the
darkness. This may not be the best way, but it is mine.

I don't like the word survivor, because that would tie me in some way to being a victim. But if I
take the word healer and put it in my own universe and my own framework without the
expectations of anyone else, then I can live with that word.
I am only human until the next disaster that I cannot control sweeps my feet out from under me.
At that point I am again lost, searching for my footing in the dark and hoping to hope against the
image of my fear and anger, despair and helplessness.
Sorry - this might sound dark. But we will all be hit with helplessness, and we will all search for
our footing. And if we are able to find a way to share this, then we will all be healers.

Wynsong:
Hi Minna...
I am a healer too....because when people find me who want to heal, I am prepared to stand with
them while they do their own work.
I may hold space,
I may journey for them, and bring them back a map...which they can then use of not...and
certainly they do not need to use it the way I would....
I may help them serve their own physical/literal body with knowledge of how their biochemical
self-works....and they must do the work...
I may tell them stories to give them an opportunity to allow for a new perception, a new way to
use an old symbology...a new paradigm....and they must make the shift...
...
I am a healer, because I am willing to sit with people as they make their journeys....and because I
am willing to make my own....
I have never healed anyone... well maybe I have healed myself...and I am an anyone....so
I have only ever healed myself...
Which reminds me of a line from one of my favorite Shel Silverstein poems....
"But all the magic I have found, I've found within myself!"
Munay chi Minna, healer, sage, shaman...Munay chi

Minna:
Yes, they, we, do our own work, and we stand beside each other and offer our humanity to each
other, and offer what love and insight and hope and strength that we have at the time to give.
And in this, and in the best understanding we have to offer (sometimes - I am way tooooo
directive, and friends have healed themselves anyway) and we just watch the magic together.

FireStarter/Karen:
We are quite a group of wonderful people, I think.
Your post made a lot of sense to me.
I am on my journey to find my voice.
Reclaim my voice.
It is so important to me.
I had a vision of myself in a time when some people were killed on a stage for their "ways".
I remember very much standing silent before they beheaded me.
I'll tell you that when a person is beheaded they do feel the sensation of their head hitting the
floor. "thump"....pretty sick huh?

I cannot get over the voicelessness of myself.
I felt, "what IS there to say to these people, watching me like they are, like a show.
I couldn’t find the words, I still find it hard to find a single word to say to such people.....though I
feel I had better learn.
It is again a recurring theme in this life too.
What you said about why we care so much what others think, you are dead on correct with the
reason.

I had a dream once where I was a bat and I said, where are all the other bats? I knew from that
that my need for acceptance somewhere by some peoples is naturally important to me.
Though the poison of being cast out I was able to turn into medicine.
I was loved and deeply cared for by other than the two leggeds in "real" time.
Anyway...I also very much enjoyed reading about there being truly evil people......Rolling
Thunder once said, you'd have to be silly to not believe in black magic.
Indeed I have had someone in my life who is/was truly evil.
I have worked in prison myself.
Not an easy job, that's for sure.
Well, I have surely enjoyed this thread.....
and like I said before we are certainly a special bunch of Spirits.
Not the faint of heart, that's for sure.
You all take care.

Earthwalker:
The following are just some questions and thoughts from a slightly different perspective.
As I read the posts Two Crow’s and Wynsong’s about being in a place where you cannot get out
and the need to grieve I felt frustrated. I agree with Wynsong that grieving is an important
emotional process we each need to get through as expectations are changed yet was left with a
“but”. But, we all grieve yet don’t have PTSD. Mentally I then refocused on Two Crow’s post, in
particular the emotional aspects of inability to make change. I agree that the abuse that creates
the PTSD is in the place of indecision where you are powerless due to age (child) or war in the
service (veteran) to make change.

On the surface I agree with both of what you had said in you posts but still feel something is
being overlooked. Thinking back to my personal life and in response to Wynson’s discussion on
grief I don’t believe you are completely disabled or disempowered by the need to grieve albeit
you do need to grieve at some point. Still I don’t think the lack of grieving in and of it self creates
PTSD; there is more. Last night I questioned when if ever I felt this indecision? I thought back
over my experiences to a time when I felt emotionally powerless and think I found the link the
missing link that I was looking for.

For me part of the problem in dealing with PTSD I think may be the total focus on emotional
responses. I would like to throw out another thought and suggest that while linked the
disenabling process of PTSD may not be purely in the emotional part of the brain but may be
centered primarily in the analytical part of the brain. I am not a psychologist so those of you
who are and those of you who have suffered with PTSD I would ask to be open and see if what I
am suggesting makes sense to any of you. I will explain why I am suggesting this as a possibility.
As most of you know I am very analytical; therein I will try to take you back to a time when I felt
powerless and how I worked through it. Twenty one years ago my son relapsed with leukemia 10
months into treatment; his prognosis very poor. I was given the options that could possibly be
available; a bone marrow transplant from sibling (which wasn’t possible since she didn’t
match), a bone marrow transplant from my father (never done on this old of donor at best <15%
chance of survival), a mismatched transplant from myself ( with a waiting line of 6 months, at
best <15% chance of survival but probably wouldn’t survive the six months), a third remission
(25% chance of short term survival, <0.3% chance of long term survival), or palliative care (
0% chance of survival about 6-12 weeks of life.). I went home with these numbers and simply
cried; a mom cries for her child and her child’s life. I was powerless to cure this child and had
to make some decisions. I was in a state of indecision not knowing where to turn. I felt powerless
and went through the daily routines of life and work but was deep within myself. Today, I know
this place as being in a sacred place of center but didn’t know this then; I was simply within. But
it was within that place that I could feel two parts of my response. There is the emotional part of
the us that is crying for what could have been and for the child that is so loved. But there is also
the analytical part of the brain that continues to work through the issues. By training I have been
taught objectivity and to remove attachment to an observation therein distinguishing these two
component parts of a response was very evident and I can separate the two. I therein dare to
suggest that the disempowering component of PTSD stems from not from the emotional
immobility but the analytical disempowerment of a situation. Let me try to explain
Indecision, I believe, is an analytical process not purely an emotional process.

Personally as I state above I can divide the two processes and feel each one independently and that is the
perspective from which I am coming from. The stress of being powerless I believe comes more
from the analytical indecision that from the emotional response; yet I think psychologists treated
the emotional response only (I think). While in the state of indecision in the above examples, I
poured through the statistics and all of the options and came up with five pages of questions I
needed answered by the doctor before I could make a final decision. I met with him the following
week to make that decision. As I sat in his office I remember excusing myself for crying but told
him I still needed to get these questions answered and that I could separate the two. I also
indicated I needed to get through to a decision. We went through each action and decided to see
if we could get any hospital in the country to agree to perform a transplant on a down syndrome
child. That is another story for another time but once the indecision was removed by a choice of
action, the disabling stress was removed. The emotional component was still present since a
change in expectation needs to be worked through and one has to grieve for what was. But the
disempowering component which is what I am suggesting maybe a root cause component in
PTSD was removed. I could move on.

I would think that a child of abuse wouldn’t have the analytical skills to make a decision and the
entrapment in an army situation where individuals control is not an option would yield the same
frustration. So I wonder if the key to unlocking PTSD isn’t more than just dealing with the
emotional stress and opening up those forgotten or hidden scenarios but isn’t also in revisiting
these emotional triggers from an altered analytical perspective or from the use of the analytical
part of the brain. I am not sure how you give back a person the ability to make decision but
possibly by revisiting a scenario and remaking a choice through judging the action but letting go
of the emotional component through compassion might help. This might empower the person in
terms of reinforcing their ability to make decisions at this point in time. Action through decision
I believe is the liberating tool (at least for me). By action it can also mean non-action through
understanding a scenario from a larger perspective or view point therefore I am suggesting a
choice.

To me by differentiating these two processes (emotional and analytical) I can clearly see that the
associated stress of true indecision from my experience is healing the analytical part of the brain
which then removes the stress from the emotional side with the emotional side being the part of
the brain that protects us and allows the part to grieve. The two parts of the brain are linked but
for me I would suggest that the real stress of indecision is not governed by emotional feelings but
by analytical thought. Yet it is through returning through the emotional protection that we can
heal the indecision when our analytical processes were either undeveloped as would be the case
of child abuse or are suppressed as would happen in the case of war. To me I think the focus on
purely the emotional component of PTSD may not be enough to effect a cure since I truly do
wonder if this emotional component isn’t the surface component of the syndrome and the
underlying healing needs to take place in regaining the self confidence in our analytical
processes, through choice. Choice seems to heal the analytical component and grieving seems to
heal the emotional component of the total responses to crisis. I realize what I am suggesting
maybe different than what is normally suggested and it may be limited to myself but I would
suggest that you choose to try revisiting a highly emotional time where you felt that you weren’t
in control and choose differently as a free adult differently through the analytical part of your
being and see if part of the stress isn’t removed. I don’t disagree that you will still need to go
through the emotional letting go and the associated anger. But I think one can choose to react
differently from your this new current perspective. I truly suspect the indecision in many cases
stems from the lack of analytical brain processes as oppose to the more protective emotional
process.

To me the questions is "Is PTSD really triggered by the failure of an emotional response or the
failure of an analytical process. The emotional process is the focus due to the rage exhibited but
isn't it the protective process albeit it is more evident. Isn't the true root cause of the problem the
inability to make an decision through the analytical processes of the brain?"

Bear, Many times you have suggested that you need to remove the analytical mind to find the
answers. I agree to go within we need to remove the analytical processes yet I am suggesting
that to implement that which is shown we may need to have the analytical processes established
and healthy as well. To me this is why I love the Medicine Wheel. It mimics the processes we go
through as we respond both analytically and emotionally to a crisis in life. It provides us the
outline to healing and is representative of life processes. Yet without the knowledge of the
Medicine wheel we do go through the same processes.

I don’t know if my thoughts processes can or will help anyone but it is the way that I healed and
hopefully it may help others. If not just let the process go as specific to Earthwalker. I thank all
of you for your gifts and your openness. I pray Spirit guides you each in your respective
healings.

May you all find Peace and Love in this beautiful New Year

Mari-la:
(((Lotus))), I feel to share that just today - it is incredible how Great Spirit works - that just today
a manager called me to talk about the manager who took his job - and this man he was talking
about has been the man I wrote about in my post above. He man calling today told what he knew
about him, that he still sees him - and this was so interesting (besides the fact that this was topic
of a telephone call...): I was listening - and watching - and I did NOT get an "electrical shock"
when I heard the name, when I imagined with the inner eye the man how he was described... It
was: freedom...

Great Spirit works in wondrous ways... Miracles, one cannot understand... But they work.. I do
not have to understand - it is the joy and freedom that comes with the living... again to you,
Whispers from Spirit, you helped me to release things before I leave. Thank you from deep from
my heart. You were sent - thank you...

Jimmy WhiteBear:
I use to think it really didn't matter what people thought of me and in some ways that still is true.
I was always very defiant when i was drinking and drugging and would do things for "Shock
Value". If I could shock them, I was happy...

The older I get the more I want people to know who The Bear is and what he is about. I don't
really mind sharing my journey but I get very upset when others share it without asking me
first...

I have had some major rejection in my life over the last several years, some of it my own fault,
some of it because others felt it necessary to chastise me and yes that bothers me but!... I will
never go out of my way to let some know that they have been had by another and let them believe
what they want. That means, those who chastised me hurt themselves. Again, They lost a
friendship. .. They lost they're humanity!...

Point here is going back to labels. I was recently told I am a medicine man because I use my
medicine daily and I am a man. LOL! Won't argue and in some ways it was nice to be recognized
in that manner but again, I am just a guy trying to do what’s best for him and others that come
into my life that need/want my help. The label, "Medicine man" means little what does mean a lot
is helping someone turn on the light!...

Whatever the trauma is that we have gone through, we need to heal period!... If we don't, we will
end up dead or in a state hospital somewhere... I am crazy enough without hearing some
dumbass doctor tell me I need medication because life has been tough. Ya know what, It’s
supposed to be tough!... it is what we do with it that counts!

Hi EW, PTSD is the results of the mind and emotions not willing to accept the atrocities that it
has seen. The emotional response or the lack of emotional response is what brings the trauma
forward after the event has taken place.

An example, I will use war for this but a platoon out on a recon mission and run head long in to
a firefight. Although they were expecting to see the enemy, the hope of not seeing the enemy
prevailed. When the fire fight started and it was intense, those who survived didn't have time to
process the fear until sometime after they returned to base camp.

Another example would be a Rape, same thing, While it was going on the victims thought was to
try and survive through the rape and when she/he did survive may or may not have been able to
process the fear at the time. They rationalized the ordeal so they wouldn't feel as though they
were out of control, knowing that the ability to control what had happened to them wasn't
present. They begin to try and forget what had happened, push it out of their minds and may be
successful doing that until something triggers the fight or flight response again and again they
are unable to flee even in the flashback.

PTSD results in the inability to control (loss of control) of a given situation and the in ability to
accept that loss of control. Many people have PTSD like symptoms without having full blown
PTSD.

Having dealt with Veterans/PTSD from Nam 30 years later tells me a lot about the coping
mechanisms involved both Emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Also tells me a lot when a
woman who had under gone a very violent rape and years down the road still flashes back when
making love to the guy she is supposed to be in love with and trust... I think saving the analytical
stuff for those who are more qualified to use it is what’s paramount. Assuring someone that
everything will be okay and developing a level of trust based son understanding, non judgement
benefits someone more than trying to analyze them/the situation.

For certain, what you have gone through with your son was one hell of an ordeal and would
definitely qualify for PTSD like symptoms. Although some folk are stronger than others, PTSD
isn't something that goes away, we learn to deal with it differently... Healing from this isn't
making it go away, you can't just forget a trauma that has happened to you. You process it
differently, you accept it, learn new coping skills and eventually, flashing back and all the
feelings that go with change. I don't think I can explain it without getting into the text book stuff
any better than this?...

Also just want to say, having PTSD doesn't qualify me an expert. I have done classes to help me
understand it along with lots of reading. I still am not an expert...Hope this helps

Earthwalker:
Bear,
Thanks for the explanation I was just trying to dig further from observations. I don’t have PDST
symptoms but have seen people who have had them from similar situations. I was just trying to
use myself as an example since that has been my experience in working through things.
Since you brought up the Vietnam war, in the mid-sixties I et and dated two individuals that went
to Vietnam. D I knew before he went to war and we became close friends. D had a drinking
problem but was a very special individual. D went to Vietnam and came back two years later. He
was studying for a PhD psychology and was working in a halfway house. However, he was never
was alright after Vietnam and had horrible flash backs and the drinking and drugs continued and
got worse. D died in a fire at the half way house at the age of 30. During these years I dated
another person, T. T was a green beret whom I met after he came home from Vietnam. He was
covering with a metal plate in his head after going back to rescued people caught in the war
zone. He was shot down in a helicopter mission. T went home and was fine. I look at these two
individuals that I had cared a great deal about and whom had gone through so much and such
similar things and try to find the answer. Why was T alright after these experiences, while D was
not? To my mind, D was a much more sensitive person; whereas T was more aggressive and
analytical. An “n” of two is not significant but it leads to observations and questions
nevertheless.

The work you do is important, I do wish you success. Your work isn’t easy and no, neither is
life. But it is never boring! Thanks for the further explanation. I have to agree surviving and
healing is all that really matters. I still miss D yet am thankful that you have survived and that
you have helped others survive ordeals that I personally don’t believe anyone should have to go
through.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Who knows why some don't get it and some do. I am not sure that anyone really does. "D" must
have been a very special guy and why a fire got him instead of Nam no one knows either. You
honor him by keeping his memory alive!...

Wynsong:
One of the physiological results of PTSD is that the "axis from the
Hypothalamus/Pituitary/Adrenal glands" does a shift, so that they are set at a more sensitive
level, than before the PTSD....the result is almost like an allergic reaction....

Most people won't be triggered by many pollens or proteins that we find in nature, but those with
allergies have an exaggerated immune response to what "should" be a non-threatening protein...
PTSD patients will react with adrenal hormones that equal a flight/fight response to stimuli that
would not trigger a person without PTSD....for example...when clients with PTSD come into my
office, I make sure the doors are all opened wide...and there aren't things that can bump into
them...because walking into the edge of a door that is left ajar can result in an exaggerated
stress response...

I don't use scents in my office for the same reason...Lavender may be very relaxing to most, but
to someone raped or brutalized by someone who wore it, it can be a trigger...
As a massage therapist, my massage must be light enough not to perceived by the client's body as
an attack...and yet deep enough to do the physical work....I really need them to work with me and
give good feedback...

Emergency Response Crews/Police Officers (especially in the Crime Investigation
Units)/Firefighters...are at higher risk for PTSD...and of course there are others...

Jimmy WhiteBear:
“You've got to have Scorpio somewhere in your make-up.” How did you guess? LOL 11/15/50
I had been working in a county jail for 5 1/2 years and I worked for a guy that seemed to live for
writing me up for any infraction. My ex and i use to take care of cats with Leukemia and during
the time working at the jail, I could smell a really strong odor of cat urine daily on my clothing.
There wasn't any way the cats good get near my clothing but I smelled like that. Funny thing
was, no one else could smell it. My marriage was falling apart, I quit my job at the jail, had
many other things falling apart and I was under the worse stress I had experienced since getting
my butt kicked around by my ol' man. I went to the doctor and told her that my body odor
smelled like ammonia. She told me that we have two types of sweat glands, the normal ones that
help cool us off when overheated and ones that produce an ammonia smell when under severe
stress. It suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't the cats but me that was producing this odor and
trust me when I tell you, I showered twice sometimes three times a day and could not get rid of
the odor.

After I left home and began to de-stress was when I got diagnosed with PTSD. Everything I was
going through made sense. I have not produced that ammonia odor since a while after I left my
family. It was then that I set out to learn everything I could about PTSD. Funny thing. All those
years working with Vets and molestation alcohol, drugs. I didn't understand why I identified so
well with all the feelings and emotions that go along with Post Traumatic stress. No I am very
aware of it and can pick up trauma in others in a matter of minutes after talking with them...
I try not to set myself up in situations that will stress me out. Some of it is unavoidable, but I am
real careful not to get to stressed. I also learned from all that that stress or severe stress does in
fact produce physical symptoms including psychological, mental and spiritual symptoms... or
Spiritual bankruptcy!...

So folks, all of that and everything I have been through since is now my healing process. All that
came to the surface for a reason and I know this. I know the reason it came to the surface was
because it was time to start or continue the healing. I drank and did drugs to self-medicate and if
I lived or died made little difference to me. I guess creator and the spirits where watching out for
me because I wasn't...

The path of the Healer, the shaman, Medicine man LOL ( sorry Cinn) is the path of the Wounded
Healer... I have met many on this path who have clung to the wounds and kept them open,
oozing, bleeding and watched them maintain an inability to help others. Once in a while they get
lucky and someone sicker than they are gets a little help from them. Nothing on a regular basis...
I have to feel sorry for them because they think they are healed and well. They can't see how sick
they really are nor do they want too...

CinnamonMoon:
No need to apologize to me Bear....walking with one's Medicine (Man or Woman) is a good
thing no matter how you look at it. *Soft Smile* You're right though, the path of the shaman/ess
is that of the Wounded Healer...we have to know how to heal ourselves of our own wounds
before we can open as channels to heal anyone else. Funny how that remedy always ends up
being in Spirit's hands isn't it? I’ve had my share, there are enough stories in this thread already, I
won’t add mine, but the traumas of life have come calling upon my path several times too. It is
what it is. It’s all made each of us who we are today. Healed or healing, we’re still walking. I
refuse to be a victim, I think that helped me heal faster than some. I had to do more than just
survive so I did, I conquered the wounds and made sure I healed whole again. We can achieve
wholeness if we choose to do that.

Jimmy WhiteBear:
Now this is the part that always gets me mad. The more stressed I've been, the less I can reach
out to Spirit for help. So the worse I have felt and needed help, the less I can reach it. I know
how that goes and all I can say is try to relax and let spirit in. Old Indian saying, Don't sweat the
small stuff! --- everything is small! Not really an old Indian saying but it still applies!...

DoeWalker:
Hi, I am new. I joined last night and the first thing I noticed was PTSD! I am a survivor and
thriver now. I am very introverted and have a very high feelings score as far as personality traits
go. I belong to a like-minded group and someone posted the totem site, checked it out, checked
this place out and decided to join. My name is Doe Walker, I am a healer mainly of animals but
also work with people, a writer mainly for children, and almost took my life because of PTSD
several moons ago. It wasn't a one-time thing either, but each time I tried, my Grandfather's
Spirit would always intervene. In my family, being Native was a thing no one really talked about.
I was brought up a PK, as I was forever called, my dad was a Baptist Minister…still teaches
Sunday School. When I was young, my Grandfather taught me as much as he dared about us.
I was molested when I was three and my sister recently had a memory of it. I began seeing
fragments of my past, but did not know what was happening, I thought I was going mad, I was
living with an abusive husband, so I tried to end it all. I was molested again when I was in the
6th grade, and raped a few times in my teens years. I decided I had to have somehow asked for
it, even though I am quite intelligent, emotionally I was very young and the process for change
had not yet begun at this time.

My first marriage was a joke. My husband married me because he wanted a companion and
children. He waited for quite a time before he told me he was gay. I have nothing against gay
people, but with him, I felt betrayed, I was betrayed. We had two daughters together, they are
both in their 20's now and they never knew anything that I know of. We never argued in front of
them, we were pals. He anally raped me one night and had a thing for women's clothes. I put it
all together and decided we must divorce. He was emotionally abusive, but finally decided he
would grant my wish. I cannot believe I am actually sharing this! My second man was the total
opposite as far as his take on sexuality. I was attracted to him because he was so sad about not
knowing where his daughter was. I fell for his lines. We married and had a daughter. I stumbled
upon things accidentally....I was his 5th wife, he had never paid child support, he had 7 DUI's,
he was and did other things as well. The onset of abuse was insidious but when it happened, it
came big time. I tried to run with my daughter but was caught. I tried many things and decided
suicide was the answer. Multiple tries, multiple visits from my Grandfather's Spirit. One day I
decided this was no way to live, but during my various stays in hospitals, he secured legal
custody of our daughter, only and I mean ONLY, so I wouldn't run. We were divorced but if I
wanted to see my daughter, I had to live with him. He held her over my head constantly. All this
time he was drinking himself to death. I became more aware of my past abuse and started to
recover. I was finally properly diagnosed and had a wonderful doc who found the right med
combo for me. I attended a trauma group each week, plus had individual therapy. I worked
through my past trauma's while being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused every day of
my life. Still kept up with the climb knowing I would never go back again, knowing I had taken
the rage out in me. He killed himself last year while drinking and driving.

My first thought was how I was going to tell my daughter and my second was, I can finally get
her into therapy I had been given a clean bill of mental health with history now stable on my
record. My two older daughters never forgave me about divorcing their dad, nor did they forgive
me about my meltdown. My eldest worked with my ex in laws and legally kidnapped my little
one. We have been in and out of court for about a year now. My life has changed. I went back to
my Native roots, learned I was strong, continue to have clarity, work on balance; I have a
wonderful new husband with no abuse at all. My traumatologist and my new therapist are going
to court with me, so I hope everything goes well so this chapter can finally end.

I have come to peace with things which once haunted me. I have learned I am strong and enjoy
life and love. I know what a red flag means, I know how to not over extend energy on the
negative. It took a long time, I am almost 50 and my little one is 10. I only look back to see how
far I have come or to say good bye to some past pain. There is really no word for time, borrowed
by Evan Pritchard, the present is there here and now.

I just noticed I rambled here. I am not used to doing this until I get to know people. Maybe I am
just at the point in life where I feel my story is as important as other people's. Thank you for
letting me get this out.
Much Peace,

Part 3

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