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What Was Your
First Indicator of What You Would Become?
This could probably go under a number
of different spots but though I would put it here as it is my
course and how thing came about for me as a male growing up.
Many times it seems there is some event or occurrence that serves
to show to others what we as children shall become or are destined
for. To those upon a shamanic type path is seems many have the
death experience that occurs in their youth. For me it was near
my first birthday and being given penicillin, I stopped breathing
and luckily an elderly doctor was present and caught it.
Yet these death experiences are usually
quiet and little known for the most part. My parents as a norm
did not go around telling people that I had died, or numerous
occasions would have died had something drastic not changed
the course on the given day. Nope for the most part unless it
was immediate family no one ever knew of those things.
Yet there had to be external clues
visible to those that might be watching. For me from what I
recall and have been told it was plants and growing things.
At the age of 5 or 6 I was identified as having a green thumb
and a neighbor took a proactive stance on teaching me things
about the land and plants. Yet much of it I seemed to know before
hand and he guided me in using it. Things like pulling energy
to the roots to help it grow or talking to them and even feeling
how they felt.
Others said it was all the darn creatures
that I seemed to find and raise. Turtles by the dozen's in the
enclosure I built. Snakes I would find in the middle of winter.
Animals that would walk up to me without fear. Nothing amazing
really, not to me anyway, but things that they did notice and
make comments about. Things that brought people into my life
that might not have happened otherwise.
Yet even as I touched nature and
it me other things caught peoples attention. The dream
I always had of being in a tank in battle and dying or the notion
of being on a B-17 bomber and getting hit and dying. Even the
notion that I would go into the military when I was older. Nope,
never a I might do it but a definite I would as I had done before.
Many would tell me it was the duality
of my pathwalk to be taken. On one hand the warrior upon the
pathway of conflict. On the other hand the counter balance or
the grower and healer. Hands to be used to kill on one side
yet to pull energy together to cause growth and touch on the
A few claimed it was the particle
veil I had at birth. Others claimed it was the fact my birth
was predicted before my mother even met my father. Some said
it was the constant search I was always subject to find some
object I knew but could never find though search I did. Heck
years later a few would say it was because of the man how I
saw years later upon the road that died the day of my birth.
But no to me I think it all started
visibly way back when I was 5 or 6 and placed my hands into
the dirt and made the energies come together to make that Azalea
grow. Not only grow but also change from what should have been
a red blossom to a white one. It definitely was the act that
made others starts to watch me and take an interest in me.
Not a Witch, Not really a witchy
person under the family traditions or even a practitioner of
Strega which would be introduced to me a few years later. But
all would serve as the base upon which I would build.
My grandfather said I was chosen
and Others saw it and guided me as they had done to others in
the family. But I wonder what it was they saw for all I can
see in reflection is that first time of helping or making something
I post here
or is this for men only?
obvious to me that something was very different about me, very
I was young everything made me feel 'something'. I related to
all things, became a living part of them. I cried and cried
....for the whole world. My heart always felt out of place,
like it belonged to another place or time. Like it was too big
for my body to hold. The sadness was the hardest part for me.
I remember weeping 'old lady' tears... from very young eyes.
I always thought to myself, " I love way too deeply, way
too much for this world." ...Strange thoughts for a little
girl. Mostly, this is what I remember. As I grew, my mother
helped me to understand that I was an empath and from there
everything else grew. Our household was very open. My mother
was responsive, she nurtured me and helped me to establish all
that I am today. I am grateful for that. She had knowledge and
she shared it willingly. I suppose I displayed many gifts at
different stages in my life, but for me the first memories were
of being empathic.
you triggered so many memories for me. Like standing in a supermarket
as a teen and realizing I not only felt everyone in the place,
but I love all of them so much I just started to cry. I must
have been about 15. Not my earliest memory of old tears, but
my nicest one. MSLD In answer to your question... my indicators
were in part very similar to RiverMoon's. Of course I didn't
think of them as indicators of anything other than the fact
I was odd and didn't fit in as a child. I always felt old. My
first indicator to myself that something was wrong was when
our dog died and I explained to my parents how he was in a better
place and was suffering etc. I comforted them... I was 4 or
5. I remember feeling surprised at the fact I knew I was older
than my parents. I'd only have that fact confirmed by a psychic
30 years later. I can remember feeling sad every birthday as
a young child, because childhood was going by so fast. I wanted
to enjoy every moment and make it last. I hated birthdays and
felt extreme nostalgia, which at the time I had
no name for and called my "sad growing feeling".
Lots of odd memories
like that and lots of memories like RiverMoon of crying for
things that I couldn't explain. Tears that were related to feeling
too much at too young an age. The first indicator for my family
that I was different was something I have no memory of. I was
a toddler when I told my gran about my lady friend who walked
in our garden. I described her in Victorian clothing. My gran
loved the fact I could see spirits, which helped in the long
run. My only memory of seeing a spirit was also my last. I must
have been about 5-6 and when I realized what was happening I
ran away from it and blocked the whole ability for about 20
years. I recently (this year) discovered that my dad's family
has had seers and psychics in every generation, which was a
surprise to me!
this and honestly I'm not too sure what to reply. I never had
near death experiences, none that I know of anyways. I dont
think my life was filled with hardship and any trials to say
that are out of the ordinary, worth mentioning or anything like
that. Sure I have my struggles but they are not different then
someone else in my opinion. So what would be an indicator of
what I would because? And then I ask myself, what is this becoming
about? Am I something else? Have I changed in nature? Sure I
dont consider myself and I guess those that know me dont
consider me "normal" per se. I do have a couple of
quirks that set me apart from the stereotype of what we consider
a now 34 y.o. man to be. But thats me. Thats who
I always been.
So with all that
in mind its hard for me to say that anything has occurred.
Sure I always had an interest for fantasy, magick etc. and I
hoped it was real or at least thought it would be neat if it
was. When I was younger, I felt that I didnt belong in
this age. But then again, in your teen years you often feel
you dont belong anyways. I used to joke that I was old
before my time. I remember when I was younger, on a couple of
occasions while hiding from my parents to aggravate then when
they wanted me to go to bed, I used to hide in a pile of dirty
laundry and I'm sure that a couple of times I was able to turn
invisible. My parents knew I hid there but yet even though I
was sure I was in plain sight, they didnt see me. Later
on in teen years, I know I had a couple of times where I did
a bit of telepathy and picked up on someone elses thought.
I've been able, and still am, to usually know whos calling
on the phone and such too, even before the caller ID shows up.
So I guess there were a couple of things but if anything else
I guess it was my willingness to explore then and consider them
as being a possibility since I experienced it firsthand. But
still, its bugging me. I dont think I have become anything.
If anything I think that now with the current thats running
through my life and how I am reacting to it, that now I am becoming.
I was thinking about that the other day after having gotten
my temporary drivers license. Yeah still didnt have
it.. I'm used to being chauffeured around lol. I was thinking
about all the changes I had undertaken and those that are on
the way and more specifically the openness I'm beginning to
have to change compared to before and the thought, the white
wolf is coming
my head. So I think that yeah, if anything, I'm becoming now.
, I can think of a few things.. two things stick out prominently:
recurring dreams and a straight-forward feeling of connectedness
to Creator I can't remember what age the recurring dreams started:
but I would guess around the time I started school so about
I had two basic dreams;
one was meeting a NA boy in a tipi at an indent in the railings
at the main park in my town and the other was of a "creature".
The park railings had indents off the street for benches and
I would go to meet the boy.
Sometimes his little
tipi would be there, other times the space would be empty. Other
times the tipi would be there but he wouldn't be. But most of
the time he was there and we would play: he would show me his
"toys": I remember a tomahawk and a bow and arrow,
but not much else. His "toys" would be there regardless
of whether he was.
This dream speaks to
me now of tools, allies etc. and how to "play" (i.e.
do my spiritual homework) but also how to play in life. The
other recurring dream was a little later and a big pink caterpillar
type creature that was not of this world. It was up to the roof
of our garage and as long as the garage and bright pink and
it could curl around on itself. It would appear in many situations/places
and would either guide me to do something or stop me from doing
I had a friend called
Robert across the street who was not all that popular with the
other kids on the street, some of whom I played with even though
some of them were considered bad kids. I used to dream I was
playing with Robert and want to go home or go play with the
other kids and the creature used to cajole me to carry on playing
with Robert in the dream.
The situation is just
one of many this creature came to, but is symbolic of the whole.
This dream speaks to me now of the Self and the self: myself
wanting to go do something more interesting, be "out there"
with the "pack" of popular kids and not being bullied
for playing with Robert "the strange kid": today that
equates to out in the mundane, but the need to see that the
Self is where our true strength lies. Not feeling "strange"
for believing in the Self. Wish I had someone to explain that
dream back then!
Another thing that
really sticks out was similar to one of yours: I was given my
own plot at the bottom of our back garden. My dad used to help
my sister and I plant it up. I wasn't much bigger than a toddler
at the time. It was the first time I remember taking on responsibility
for something outside of myself. Boy did I water those plants!
Then when my dad left when I was seven the whole garden needed
working on: with my mum working full time and money being scarce
my sister and I had gardening chores in the school summer holidays:
in particular mowing the three hundred foot lawn with a push-along
mower but also weeding the twelve foot wide herbaceous border
that was alongside the lawn. Mowing would take a couple of days
with my sister and I taking turns.
This speaks to me
of "opening up" from the micro to the macro. The last
big one relates almost to an initiation into the Divine. I was
brought up Roman Catholic and had to go to church. At about
seven I became an altar boy. Sometimes we'd go to midweek mass
as well as Sunday and if so usually I was the only alter server:
a virtually empty church, maybe a handful of older parishioners,
myself and the priest saying mass. I remember distinctly that
at those services only the lights near the front (i.e. alter)
of the church were on so the place had an eerie feel. I must
have started on the alter in winter as I remember kneeling on
that big alter as a small boy and seeing only darkness outside
the full-height side windows: i.e. outside God's house (i.e.
Divine presence) there was only darkness. But also a feeling
that the church was a place where "things" happened
and that inside there was safety, light and warmth, whilst outside
it was inhospitable, dark and cold. The church was open to fields
on two sides (one of which being where the alter was) so the
wind used howl as it buffeted the church. At first I used to
wonder if the church would stay standing. After a few such nights
I became comfortable with the sights and sounds and could relax
a little and once I did I actually used to feel that God was
there with me: that God was filling the church: it actually
felt like a slight pressure around me that gave me goose-bumps.
I felt I could then talk to God and I did. God lived up in the
roof to my small-boy's logic (I couldn't see this man with the
white beard so he must live in the roof: yeh I have always been
naive!) and came down like the Holy Spirit at Pentecost when
the priest lifted the Eucharist. I had to ring the bell at that
point and that felt like calling on God to come down to us from
There are elements
of this that speak of self and Self again: light and dark, but
also of initiations, a path of service and of incantations and
feeling an ability to commune with Creator.
supposed to know what I'm becoming....? Oh! Oh! I'm guessing
I missed the signs...I'll have to hope that the events of my
life are doing a better job of keeping me on my 'path' than
I am. I'm clearly a lousy map reader...or a good map reader
with no destination in mind.
I had the same reaction to this question as Wynsong. I've become
something? What? Someone tell me, please, because I was under
the impression that I have definitely not "arrived"
yet. But I do know what you mean by the question, MSLD. But
I still don't know how to answer you. I've become so many things
and, yes, there was likely indications of them all when I was
very, very young. Empath, clair-this-clair-that, philosopher,
shapeshifter, priestess, etc., etc. ...all those things were
evident in some fashion back when I was a little twerp and had
an "imaginary" dog companion. I was an old soul on
roller skates who was the first person kids in the neighborhood
came to whenever they had parent problems or a scrape on their
knee. Actually, I've always been me. I don't know if I've ever
really become something other than what I started out as. Maybe
wiser. I sure hope so, anyway.
to say and thats part of what I was trying to convey in
my post that I agree with both of you Wynsong and Swan.
I believe that our abilities
present themselves at a young age in ways we, as children, may
or may not recognize but they do stand out to others. What others
say about us in that light impresses itself upon us. I was fortunate
to have my Guides come to me when I was little and they told
me about things I was to do...not so much who I'd become, just
things I was to accomplish. So there's no indicator of becoming
that I can point to. Like others have eluded to, we become many
things as the multi-faceted creatures we are. Privately I became
a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister and daughter, a friend,
the list will keep going if I let it. Professionally I've had
as many labels and the list is long too. I'm not any one thing,
I'm all of them and I suspect more than even I can see today.
Old eyes getting tired? Probably. I don't think I can answer
beyond what my Guides told me when I was very little: "You're
a witch, be a good one." But am I actually a witch today?
No. Do I know witchy ways? Yes, I journeyed that path for a
time, I became a High Priestess, but it's not who I am today,
I've grown beyond a roll into multiple roles. It's only a fraction
of who I am or was or what I've become. Others could likely
define me better than I can myself for I tend to see my shortcomings
first and my achievements in hindsight.
I pretty much ran on that insight
until in my early 20s when I was told I was a bridge
connecting others to Spirit. Am I? Well my pathwork certainly
does that, look at the Lodge and what its become, my teaching
others, my book, I can see the bridge at play on many levels.
But thats not me, not all of me, only a portion. Were
always becoming and I really like to think I'm still in the
process of BE-coming all I can be. In that light I've got a
long way to go and I'm undergoing some changes again now as
I step into yet another birth year. I think we're all a work
in progress, always evolving (aware or not). So I have to leave
you with that vagueness my friend, I don't fit well into slots
they're too boring. I'm a bit of this, that, and the other things.
Lots of hats, lots of them...some ratty, some in great condition
and some new ones being broken in.
was kind of told/agreed what I was when I was about 6 or 7.
It is so open to interpretation that it is almost meaningless
to anyone else and I never express it.
was young I said things and had experiences and impressions
that many people found strange. And I was a little unusual in
some ways, very calm and contented and very low on needs and
unlike my siblings never asked my parents for anything.
I was also
unusually small and thin as I was growing up. I had recurrent
nose-bleeds for no apparent reason and these factors seemed
to cause some disproportionate concern and thoughts that there
was something wrong with me. But I was otherwise exceptionally
healthy and doctors just dismissed those concerns when I was
examined. One of the earliest things I remember and my mother
seems to remember better was talking about 'when I was a big
girl' with descriptions that matched elements in the life of
a maid in Victorian England, soon after I started talking. And
I have a multi-colored eye which sort of seemed like a physical
imprint reflecting something a little unusual about me. People
who visited would comment on how quiet and well-behaved I was.
There was initially a sense of being in the wrong place at the
wrong time, but I realized that couldn't be right. I was always
very idealistic and not practical at all, very slow at writing
anything of a physical, routine or practical or artistic nature,
not socially adept, but very creative in some ways and intelligent
especially in Maths.
was at home everything was fine. But when I started school teachers
raised concerns about something being wrong because they couldn't
get me to do anything no matter what tactics they tried unless
I wanted to do it. It was often mentioned that I didn't produce
much school work and was 'day dreaming' all the time. But I
was just completely immovable and didn't respond to any kind
of encouragement, reward, threat or punishment. On the occasions
I got gold stars for good work, I just threw them away. Throughout
my education, I treated everyone as equals, which the teachers
treated as some kind of terrible misbehavior and challenge to
authority, but other pupils would often come to me for help
with their school work and the teachers would warn them off
having anything to do with me and said I would lead them into
bad ways. They seemed to regard this activity as something subversive.
One even told my best friend that I was a snake and my friend
thought it was really funny. Teachers used to fly into frenzies
and spend substantial parts of lessons shouting at me and telling
me what was wrong with me and that I would never get anywhere
in life and pushing me into doors and stuff like that. They
even tried to stop me doing any exams at all, apart from one
Maths teacher who intervened and persuaded them to let me do
some. I would occasionally do some homework if it was something
that interested me and sometimes I would hand it in and sometimes
not, but when I did hand it in the teachers would often object
to my work and write on it that I'd obviously copied it from
a book. I was often punished with canings but I was just completely
calm and undisturbed throughout. I was always very introvert
and really preferred not to be noticed but the opposite effect
tended to occur.
was younger I would spend most of my time in the woods and around
old buildings and had a profound sense of connection and had
unusual experiences there which I never told anyone about. When
I was 10, one of these experiences led to me becoming a very
good cross-country runner.
was in secondary school, one other boy and me for a short time
use to play a game where one of us would look at cards or poker
dice and the other could accurately state what they were. It
worked both ways. But other pupils started to gather round and
either be impressed or say we were cheating and try to work
out how. I felt uncomfortable with this, like it was a misusing
something so we stopped.
But I like
to think of myself as one little thread in the scheme of things.
I reckon in a sense we just progressively fill a little gap
between how things are and how we want them to be in the future
and in doing that, play a small part in moving on from how things
are to how they can evolve to be in the future.
I am to
a greater extent this, that and the other something and to a
lesser extent this, that and the other something else. I am
multidimensional. I am pretty much like other people with a
few slight differences. I am me, nothing more and nothing less.
me be the first if not the last to say you are more than welcome
to post here. That is one of the nice things about this place,
all of us have something to add to the pie and all are free
to add their parts. Granted I hope I'm not putting words in
Cinn's mouth but I think she would say this is for all of us.
RiverMoon wrote: My heart always
felt out of place, like it belonged to another place or time.
I used to feel that way so often.
It was like some part of me recalled a time that was different
and longed for it again.
Northernwolf wrote: I read
this and honestly I'm not too sure what to reply.
Old friend I'm not sure it has a
reply for everyone or everyone has a reply to it. It is simply
some musings that have occurred to me in these troubled times
of my life.
Am I something else? Have I
changed in nature?
You know that is probably one of
the hardest things for us to see in ourselves. I really can't
say I have changed unless it be based upon the observations
and comments of others. I am what I am and have become what
life's pathway has led me to be. Yet I suppose I must have changed
or had some indicators that made others think I would do or
be certain things. It is in recalling those comments that I
made this thread pretty much.
But still, its bugging me.
I dont think I have become anything. If anything I think
that now with the current thats running through my life
and how I am reacting to it, that now I am becoming.
Ah but see that is part of it to.
No one said I would be this or that by a certain date only that
to their views I would become a certain thing. To me I am still
on that road to becoming whatever it is I shall ultimately become.
I suppose in that regard until time closes my eyes and breathe
has left this physical form I shall always be on the path of
becoming. That I think is part of the truth to all of our lives,
we are always on the way to becoming whatever it is that Spirit
has placed us here for and given us the drive to pursue to completion.
That is if one ever truly completes that path walk in the years
we have to us.
DragonHawk, I truly enjoy reading
your replies. You always touch upon a facet that in my normal
thinking I never consider it seems. You always give me something
to ponder and consider. Sometimes I think back to that small
garden and wonder about the many things and pathways that were
planted for me back then.
Swanfeather & Wynsong, Swanfeather
wrote: Maybe wiser. I sure hope so, anyway.
From what I have experienced in my
talks with both of you I think the answer to that questions
applies equally. You both seem pretty wise to me. Not only wise
but also patient when dealing with an old stubborn warrior like
Granted I hope I'm
not putting words in Cinn's mouth but I think she would say
this is for all of us.
You said it like it is, MSLD, the
Lodge is for everyone and all discussions are open to participation.
We can't grow if we don't share. Thank you for noting that.
Copyright: Cinnamon Moon & River WildFire Moon (Founders.)
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